merry

it's the evening of christmas day.

the tree was finally decorated yesterday as were the sugar cookies.
all the gifts were wrapped by saturday and the last were unwrapped today.

i have received many gifts this year and the greatest were not wrapped in pretty paper nor tied with sparkling bows. none of them cost a dime.

i am grateful and blessed.

i am thankful.

enough

i am so done with all of this today. no more, please. i'm trying to quit.

the downhill side of the roller coaster

not such an easy thing is life. it should be. at least i think it should be.

i'm feeling things i don't want to feel and can't easily explain right now. i want to be happy, but i'm edging on the blues.

the plumber couldn't come today. it's raining and plumbers don't like to plumb in the rain.

tomorrow, i hope.

it will be christmas at my house...

...come hell or sewer water!

yeah, so i spent my afternoon at target replacing bath mats, towels and pajamas that got in the way of the great sewer disaster. i really like my new bathroom rug and i hope bunny will like his, too! i'm not sure i'm sold on the towels i got. i think they're too pinky-brown for the bathroom.

at any rate, the house is sanitized and the bathrooms have been cleaned within an inch of their lives. the cleaning company that came out yesterday was awesome! two hours and my house was lemony fresh and sewer water remnants free! woo-hoo!

since the sewer line problem is not fixed, yet, bunny and i are being very careful not to involove the drains in a lot of work. let's just say that if it's yellow, we let it mellow and no paper products of any kind will go near any of the toilets. perhaps renting a port-a-potty would be easier, but i'm not to that point, yet.

wednesday is the soonest we can get anyone to try to fix the problem. hopefully, it will be fixed on wednesday and not drag out longer. we have tree roots obstructing our sewer line and the city guys called the mass of roots a "gator." i call it a pain in my pocket book. still no idea if insurance will cover any of our expenses. i'm not holding my breath.

********************

to lift my spirits and remind myself that it is indeed the holidays, i bought a pretty wreath and i hung it above our garage door. i didn't fall off the ladder or anything. yay! i also replaced our tree skirt since the old one got sludged. i'm hoping the cats won't chew the tassles off the new one immediately.

christmas shopping is almost finished. spending some family time with sister bunny and family tomorrow. next weekend we'll see mom and dad pinwheel, as well as brother pinwheel and his fiance.

**********************

i'm exhausted, but we're going to be ok. i am grateful for friends who are lawyers and holiday inn's that allow cats at no extra charge and for my tempurpedic bed and chiro-flow pillow.

when the universe wants you to clean house...

...sometimes it backs up the sewer.

so, yeah, every drain in our house yesterday backed up with sewer water. it overflowed in the bathrooms into the studio and hallway and master bedroom and from the garage where the washing machine is into the kitchen and dining area.

yay and merry freakin' christmas.

so, we are camping at the holiday inn next to i-35 with the cats. the mattress is lumpy and the cats are kind of freaked (as am i) but the room service breakfast was pretty damn good. right now, our house is full of blowers and de-humidifiers and the smell of sporicide which makes me cough. it sounds like a wind tunnel and will dry out your skin in seconds flat.

we are dealing with the insurance company, plumbers, cleaning services, a roll-off dumpster and the city. the blockage that caused all this is 75 feet from our house at the main. i never thought i'd get to see the inner workings of our sewer line on video. it is true that the camera adds 10 pounds.

we are moving back in tomorrow, come hell or (pardon the pun) high water. hopefully, all the equipment will be gone, soon and we can get to repairing the sheet rock and tile.

in the mean time, i am trying to deal with this AND still get in billable hours. while i am usually level-headed in a crisis, i lost it and freaked out yesterday when i discovered the water. i freaked out all over bunny's shirt.

well, i'm off to answer the door and get an estimate on sanitizing our house.

ttfn

perfectionists anonymous

there needs to be a recovery support group for perfectionists like me. of course, it would never really work...it wouldn't live up to the participants' expectations.

*snort*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yeah, so i'm giving up perfectionism for lent. what's that you say? it's not lent and you know i'm not a christian? hmmm...makes one wonder on how successful i'll be at renouncing perfectionism. still...one day at a time...

bunny wisdom

last night, bunny and i discussed the situation with my former boss. he made me realize it is not about what i said nor is it about my karma. it is more about her karma and how she reacted to the situation.

it really helps to have the bunny perspective.

i feel better about it. i'm still me and i'm not gonna change that.

**************

i'm nursing a cold right now. i'm not down for the count, but i feel like i'm at round 12. i took today off and napped quite a bit. i've kept the anxiety at bay since my billable hours aren't fulfilled this week. no worries, i'll get them in later. my goals for this four day weekend are to make jewelry, make jewelry, make jewelry, finish a few things for da furniture man, spend time with my family and have date night with bunny.

my plan for date night is to bake holiday cookies with bunny (decorated, of course) and watch ice age-the meltdown. bunny says his plans for our next date night involve getting dressed up and going out.

i smell a shopping trip...

bunny is sleeping right now. i've made the "heavenly potatoes" for tomorrow's feast and will make the apple pie a la zelda tomorrow morning. the kittens are all snoozing and it is time for me to wash my face, say my prayers and go to bed.

g'night.

bridges unintentionally burned and karma

karma, what an interesting concept.

i've gotten through many things in my life relying on my belief in karma. you know..."what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow" or "live by the sword, die by the sword."

ok, that last one was a bit violent.

at any rate, i lost business this week because of what i said in an exit interview nearly 2 years ago. what i said in that interview was not a personal attack, merely my perspective about what had happened while i was at the company and the state my former department was in at the time. my former boss took it personally. i lost a project because of it.

*sigh*

still, i stick to what i said and my reasons for saying it. i guess honesty of perspective can sometimes lead to karma biting one in the ass...er...pocketbook. i hold no grudge against said person, but said person obviously holds one against me.

i can't stop being who i am or thinking as i do so i'll just have to deal and move on.

chapters closing

ah, another chapter in my life today closed...well, it slammed shut.

some people in this world will always be in high school; will always think they are in high school; will always act like they are in high school.

tell me, why after 2+ years would someone bother to care if someone they used to know read their blog and why would someone bother to pick a fight via their blog with the aforementioned person?

the blame game and immaturity, methinks...the same reasons the aforementioned person stopped seeing the other.

confessions of an entrepreneur

well, i have definitely learned how to spell 'entrepreneur.' darn those french with their tricky use of e's and u's!

i'm supposed to be working right now. shhhhh! don't tell my boss. oh, wait! that's me!

*snort*

i have to confess, this whole working for myself thing isn't all bon bons and cappuccinos. in fact, i have neither bon bons nor cappuccinos in my house. -note to self: stock up on bon-bons and cappuccino. i wonder if costco has those?- at any rate, i found myself worrying last night as i was trying to fall asleep. i was worrying about money and having enough. of course, i'd have to be able to define 'enough' in order to quit worrying about it. therein lies the rub. i checked the pinwheel-bunny bank account and the pinwheel business account this morning and my worries were assuaged. *whew*

i also worry that i will get my website up and running and the jewelry biz started in time for the holiday buying season. i need to set aside time for this and fast! i am getting caught up in whoring for the furniture man and i have to remember i'm supposed to get to say who, how much and when. it's the when part that i'm a little fuzzy about.

at any rate (an expression i picked up from my mother many years ago), yesterday was a nice day. bunny took the day off as did i to spend it with mama pinwheel at the dallas museum of art and the nasher sculpture center. the day was gorgeously beautiful and the temperature was just right. we saw the van gogh exhibition and lunched at the nasher cafe. the $10 sandwiches were actually worth that much! how refreshing. today, my knees and feet are feeling the effects of standing/walking on concrete for about 6 hours.

in other unrelated news, miss boo is now able to get up to our bed with the assistance of a step. she is happy as a clam (although i wonder if clams can be unhappy) and has slept with us the last two nights. she is also up and about much more. i caught her bickering with sir snoopy this morning as he was reminding her to be careful while climbing over boxes. (at least, that's what i like to think he was doing.)

i gotta get back to work...billable hours, ya' know.

because it's election day...

i voted!

you should, too!

because i can...

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

chronicles of an entrepreneur

so it is week two of being the boss. so far, my employees are less than attentive to my requests and more inclined to taking naps or stalking birds from the window sill.

so far today, i have issued my first invoice for 20.5 hours of billable time last week. i am looking forward to receiving my first payment next week and, if i didn't need to bring home the bacon, i'd probably frame that sucker and stick it on my desk next to my first wedding anniversary card that came with flowers from my husband. i have my priorities straight. *snort*

this business thing, while not tricky, can be quite complicated. all those hours of paper work and administrative tasks i used to perform and get paid for, are now freebies to the client since they are not billable time. *sigh* that's ok. that's why i figured out my hourly rate. :0) i have to get all the payroll taxes figured out, but i am adopting a scarlett o'hara attitude with it for a while. besides, "tomorrow is another day."

***groove is in the heart. what an awesome song.***

on today's agenda are double checking a huge inventory of furniture from the airport, working on reconfiguring work stations for the city, a trip to the post office and receiving my order for jewelry supplies. yay! the website is coming along and i also have to come up with witty things to say to draw customers in and make them want to buy my fabulous art and jewelry! yeah, maybe not today.

"she works hard for the money..."

a weighty issue

i've talked about this before. of course, that would have been on my now vaporized diary-x blog. at any rate, my weight has been the subject of my blogging many times over and here it is again.

about two years ago, i lost 40 pounds. since moving, changing jobs and marrying ktb, i've gained half that back. i haven't gained any weight in about 6 months. the re-gain occurred between december of 2005 and april of 2006 in the depths of my depression. there are many reasons why i have gained and lost weight over my lifetime. genetics, depression, stress, emotional/psychological issues, abuse name but a few. i have struggle with it my ENTIRE life and i married a man who has never had to worry about his weight.

talk about confronting an issue.

my husband enjoys watching oprah, especially when dr. mehmet oz appears on the show for more fun and games with biology. i find his information extremely helpful and i appreciate his perspective on the issues of weight and risks for heart disease and cancer. every time bunny watches one of these appearances, the issue of my weight rears its ugly head.

now, before you think ill of bunny, i must inform you that he is not mean or spiteful or hurtful about my weight. he loves me for who i am and it is my own issues that make this difficult to deal with. however, even though he comes from a place of love and concern when he brings up lifestyle changes for better health, it's still hard for me.

i have yo-yo'd many times. yes, i am well above the point at which the government has deemed i would be healthy in proportion to my weight. the stock from which my genes are derived are dense, plump, german folk who never worried a day in their lives whether or not they were over a government limit that might mean higher health insurance rates, much less a higher risk for fatal diseases. they just were who they were. they ate what they ate and lived as they lived.

i have compared myself cruelly to everyone else in the room, to those on the covers of magazines, to everyone in movies and tv shows and to people as i walk the streets in the everyday. i never measure up. well, i measure up which is the issue. i have been the fat girl since i was 10 and hit puberty, or more accurately, puberty hit me. i have not shopped in "regular" stores in my adult life with the exception of two years in my teens when i was borderline anorexic. i have been ridiculed, villified, discriminated against and generally made to feel less than human on more than one occasion. i know it was one reason i did not date for many years.

still, i know that weight is not the whole of my character. i know that my struggles with weight have had a large (no pun intended) part in creating who i am today as are many other things that have left their fingerprints on me. i know that when i look in the mirror, the adjectives i use to describe myself are rarely kind and often perfectionist which only reinforce the things i have been lead to believe by a society that judges based on appearance and my own demons.

so, what is all this potentially nauseating, self-confessional, quasi-therapeutic dribble for?

i'm trying to come to terms with who i am, physically and spiritually and emotionally and psychologically. i am trying to be happy with what the universe has given me in this life INCLUDING my physical shell. i am trying to find a healthy way to live that does not put food at the center of my existence nor as the balm for my emotional wounds. i am trying to be healthy, live healthfully and think healthfully.

*snort*

no small order there. 27 years of unhealthy attitudes is a lot to overcome, but i can not give up hope that i will have some understanding and maybe, just maybe, gain a little wisdom when it comes to my body and how i see it/think it/feel it/LOVE it.

Open for business

i am officially open for business.

(yay!)

i am currently installing software, printing my software set-up guides, waiting for my first project to be faxed over, drinking coffee, eating an organic apple with organic peanut butter and a cup of blueberry yogurt. i'm also doing laundry and sorting through the various layers if crap-ola we have accumulated in the office. *whew* i'm tired! (just kidding!)

so far, my new co-workers (princess of da howse, sir snoopy and milo the destructor) are fine. milo the destructor does have a penchant for racing across my new desk to get to the window, but i think i can adjust. princess of da howse pretty much hangs out in her basket by the door and acts as look out. sir snoopy is napping. what a slacker. they are a far sight better than the combination of m & m at the last office.

so, it's day one as an entrepreneur and i have plenty to do. unfortunately, it's not all billable. i figure by the end of this week, beginning of next, all will be rolling into a rhythm and the projects will be coming in.

in the meantime, bunny and i are waiting on the final response to the house we want on lot 12. cross your fingers for us.

miss boo, 2

it has been a week since miss boo had her leg-ectomy. it was supposed to be a toe-ectomy, but the cancer had spread. she is up and about and getting back to her old, winning personality. she resembles a plucked, sutured chicken on one half of her hind region. she is trying to maintain as much dignity as possible, but with a missing leg, half her fur shaved off and an elizabethan collar to prevent the removal of her remaining stitches, it is a daunting task at best.

********

i quit my job monday. my last day at the green-growy design company is a week from this friday. the following monday, my life as an independent business woman begins. i am so ready. what i find rather humorous is that i still have this innate need to be punctual for a job at a company i dislike and from which i am departing. part of me wishes they'd ask me to leave before next week, with full pay of course, so i wouldn't have to deal with the wacko personalities there.

********

bunny and i are house hunting. well, we found the house for which we were hunting. now it's a matter of financing and offers and realtors and what to do about the current house. we've basically moved into the new house in every aspect but the physical. we drive by it nearly every night and it is not on the way home. sunday, our realtor friend is going with us to "check out the development." bunny is crossing his fingers we will walk out with a signed contract. so am i.

********

this change, this transition, i can handle all of this. amazing what therapy, a supportive husband and anti-depressants can do. i am zelda bunny...hear me roar!

miss boo

princess of da howse is affectionately known as 'boo."

it all started when i began calling her my "sweet baboo" like sally did to linus in the peanuts comic strip. now it is just shortened to 'boo.' ktb likes to embellish it and calls her 'boo-dly-hoo.'

yeah, well, at any rate, the number of toes on her foot is going to be shortened by one next wednesday. we got the biopsy results and her little toe (not so in size right now but as in pinky toe) has a myxosarcoma tumor. it is slow growing, so i am hoping that with the toe-ectomy, they will be able to get all of the cancer. radiation treatment will be recommended if it is discovered it has spread, but i just don't think 'boo' will handle 18 days of radiation treatment, 5 days a week at a time with the specialist's office a good 45 minute drive from home. she is already deathly afraid at the vet and i can not imagine how badly it might traumatize her. i don't want the rest of her life to be spent afraid and mean.

i am struggling with it. she is, after all, my 'boo,' my "sweet baboo."

big, pink bootie

one veterinary oncology appointment, one biopsy, one chemotherapy shot AND one cortisone shot leaves...

one cranky cat.

no news, yet.

yargh!

it has been a tough week at the pinwheel-bunny house.

as you may have read at ktb's blog, princess of da howse has cancer. what kind and what to do about it remains to be seen. yes, she is 12-almost-13 years old, yes she has had a good life for a once-foundling-nearly-always-cranky-sometimes-downright-dangerous cat. still, she is my 'boo' and i am not yet ready to part with her.

i am very forthunate that the pinwheel-bunny family finances are such that i am allowed the luxury of taking her to a veterinary oncologist. if it were two years ago, this would be even more difficult than it already is.

on the job front, work at the green, growy company has been...well...less than stellar. it has been great to have the change in pace, pressure and deadlines. i enjoy working with green growy ideas, however lacking in knowledge i am. i do feel a bit odd designing high-end swimming pool and spas to go with the green, growy things. what has been ultimately difficult and disappointing are two of my co-workers, including the owner of the company. since they're not going to change, i'm going to have to in order to make my life better and myself happier.

so...it has come to my decision that i am starting my own company. i am, once again, going to "whore for the furniture man" and use the skills and knowledge i have gained to do contract work. to quote julia roberts in the movie pretty woman (and this hopefully won't happen again) "i say who, i say where, i say how much." i want flexibility, independence and more money for my work.

my plan is to start my little venture with contract work and devote a portion of my time to the jewelry and artwork side of the business in the hopes that eventually the last two will outweigh the first.

we'll see. wish me luck.

in the meantime, it is ktb's birthday (#40!), sir snoopy and milo the destructor are well, my friend magda is getting married, our families are well, nephew carl the pirate's eye is on the mend and he will get a lense implant to have full vision again and i am thankful for all these things.

monday will see what will happen to princess of da howse.

water wings

i'm still here. i'm just sort of floating along right now. i'm directionless, but not without things to do.


i've weaned myself off the sleeping pills and can actually sleep through the night right now. i'm still on the anti-crazy pills. best friend commented that i've needed them since high school. well, she would know.

life is...in progress. the kitties are good. princess of da howse is in a snit over our latest addition, senor milo and sir snoopy is adjusting to senor milo's style of playing. senor milo prefers to pounce with all four paws and remind everyone he has claws and we don't. he also tends to wake us up at around 4:30 a.m. or so wanting to play and/or be showered with affection. what was i saying about sleeping through the night?

my new job is also...in progress. it's a lot to learn and i am still not completely sure i want to devote myself to it, but the change in pace, location and work has been so extremely beneficial. it is amazing the improvement in my health since i started working there. i am enjoying it.

office politics are...unique. bearable, yet unique, enough said.

bunny and i continue to work on la casa. it, too is in...progress.

what i really want to do is stay home, grow a garden, make things, cook for my family and bake bread. i want to be just like my mom. :0)

life is...in progress. "i'm not dead, just floating." (thank you, p!nk)

now, if only it would cool off and rain. i'm melting and drying up all at the same time.

make plans...

yeah, so, i was supposed to start my new job monday.

nope.

then, i planned to start today.

nope.

now, i'm hoping to start tomorrow.

see, i had a fabulous saturday with my s.i.l. i came home that afternoon, and by evening, i had a fever. by sunday, my stomach was revolting. today is my first day without a fever and 50 million trips to the "people box" (bathroom). sorry if that was too much information.

my fever has been down today and the pop rock feeling in my stomach is not so prevalent. i have eaten solid food with success and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i will be upright and able to attend my first day at my new job tomorrow.

bunny told me he told one of my new bosses that i really did want to work there. so far, they have been quite patient with the situation.

*sigh*

d is for depression and j-o-b spells relief

yeah, yeah...i know. i've been lax in my blogging. i'm in recovery, you see. i'm recovering myself.

so i got some crazy pills to fight the blues and some sleepy pills to keep me snoozing all the night through. so far, good results. i remember who i am. i make it through the day without crying or getting angry over the little things that i would normally not even bother with.

bunny says he doesn't want to push me out of the car as often in the morning, either. good news, that.

*********************************

in about a month, bunny and i will celebrate our first anniversary of mawwiage.
oy, vey!

*********************************

so, i got a new job. (YESSSSS! WOO-HOO!) after 12 years, i am leaving the world of contract furniture (cubicle world)! i will soon be part of the landscape design world. i am soooo looking forward to learning about all kinds of growies and what to plant where, etc., etc.

*********************************

yeah, so things are lookin' up. thank heavens.

anybody want to buy some jewelry?

better living through modern chemistry

well, i don't really know if it will be, but...

yeah...so...feeling as if i have failed to be able to control (*snort*) my own life, i have finally given in after months and months of not sleeping, depression and high anxiety (not the mel brooks kind) and gone to the doctor. i've been trying to fix things on my own and things are getting better, but i'm not who i am supposed to be and it hurts so much, anymore. after long contemplation and the added knowledge that this is round 4 of depression and round 3 of therapy AND my grandmother was clinically (although undiagnosed) depressed her entire life, i am now taking a pill for it all...and still having my wednesday evening rendezvous with judy the therapist.

well, actually it's 2 pills, right now.

one pill makes you smaller...ok not really. one pill to help me sleep as a temporary measure, the other to correct the imbalance of chemicals in my brain that causes me to look at the glass as not only half-empty, but as dirty, chipped, filled with crap-ass, cheap wine and completely undrinkable and unworthy of even tasting and completely petrified it will tip over, fall off the table and shatter into a million tiny pieces before i can catch it.

yeah, well...

the doctor said bunny will most likely notice differences in me before i will, if this pill is the right one for me. the sleeping one last night didn't help much. the doc gave me 3 different samples to try of that...but not all at once. *snort* on to sample #2 tonight and, hopefully, some decent, uninterrupted, deep sleep.

now, if only my eye would stop twitching and my nose would get better...

astrobarry does it again...

PISCES (February 19-March 20): I simply cannot let you off the hook from last week's encouragement to leap. This week, we've tossed Mars in the mix, with trines to both Jupiter and Uranus, adding the physical verve necessary to get off your buttocks and take the damn chance. Those of you who are hesitating to rile up your whole life enough to radically refreshen things, you're probably rightfully concerned with those annoying practicalities like money and job and the other chores you're charged with. Well, you're in luck because Venus and Saturn have each other's backs in houses of material security, and they will not let you go hungry—if, that is, you make some sort of massive decision or pledge this week, to go for what feels right over what you think you 'should' do. Even if you take another several months to brainstorm ways to rearrange responsibilities to make room for a completely different lifestyle (and to save up a safety cushion), as long as you do something this week, you'll get the planets' blessings. Otherwise, the trines will merely intensify whatever unattended-to yearnings for liberation linger languidly in your consciousness.

05.01.06

Pisces Daily extended (by Astrology.com)

There's a crazy blob of emotions churning around deep inside your heart, but it's getting easier and easier to get a handle on them. Finally, you're able to get a clear idea of how you feel and where you want to go from here. Make a date with the object of your affection and share your feelings -- find something physical that symbolizes your feelings (a flower, a card, a poem) and use it to help you explain yourself. The urge to share will outweigh any fear of rejection.


~'nuff said~

an unremarkable nose

it seems of late, my decision-making ability has taken a vacation. normally a fairly decisive person, my befuddled state has caused this ability to take a leave of absence until the situation improves. in order for the situation to improve, i need my decisive abilities...vicious circle, ain't it?

~but i digress~

i am home today. i do not feel well. i have no idea if it has to do with my nose, my state of mind or an outside invader. at any rate, i canceled on work and the dentist (i was not upset to cancel on the dentist) and stayed home.

la schnozz is aching today and the body feels like it's been through a few rounds with the great ali. *sigh*

i wonder constantly if trying to figure out what is wrong with my nose is a waste of time (not to mention money). while it can be difficult to cope with non-allergic, allergy symptoms and an aching nose with no cause, i am tired of no answer and more tests and referrals. the latest experience with the e.n.t. left a sour taste in my mouth and not because he actually did what i was supposed to be there for, but because he had absolutely no idea why i was there, told me nothing, patronized me and charged me for it.

yeah, medicine is great, sometimes.

he said i had an unremarkable nose.

if my nose is so freaking unremarkable...why does it hurt!?!?!?

i am on the point of giving up. i am tired. i am so tired that some days i can't even put one foot in front of the other. this probably has nothing to do with my nose and more to do with everything else i experience/have experienced since moving here.

yeah, an unremarkable nose.

'duh'

Pisces

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Sometimes you do a lot. And sometimes you do too much. It's time to give yourself a break. You've been working really, really hard, and it's time to rest and rejuvenate. It will be better for your long-term stamina, and you need to practice saying no anyhow. So this morning, get started. Look in a mirror. Say, 'no, I can't do that today.' Then add, silently, 'I'm having a personal day of rest. Just for me.' -

i sooo wish this were the case today. i woke up before bunny and watched the sun filter through the red and pumpkin curtains hanging in our bedroom window. i knew the minute i woke up that i didn't want to do what i had to do today. but...i will anyway. it's b.i.l.'s (brother-in-law) birthday celebration.

all i want to do today is relax, plant the flowers we bought yesterday, work in the yard, gesso a board for my idea-on-a-napkin painting, make lasagna and watch a movie with bunny. instead, we'll make the hour trip up and back to b.i.l.'s house.

everything is so far away around here.

********

i had lunch with one of my bosses friday. we sat on the patio of the mexican food restaurant down the street from my office. i got sunburned.

we were talking about stuff and life and it came out of my mouth that one of the things i don't like about dallas (not phrased that way) is the pace of everything. everyone is in a hurry. while the pace of my job in the great white north was no different, the pace of life was a bit slower, a bit gentler, a bit friendlier. i guess folks around here are in a rush to worship at the feet of the almighty dollar, for that is the true religion here. all others are paid lip service and wind up in servitude to the almighty dollar.

********

bunny and i have been arguing (debating?) sexism, racism, power, money and politics. he disagrees that there is sexism. he believes women hold all the power in the world. my point is those with the money hold the power and historically, women have not had the money along with all other minority groups (even though women and a couple of the minority groups are not really minorities in many areas). i told him he was wrong and i am right especially since he is a white, protestant male and part of the ruling class. he still loves me...i hope.

there is much debate in this part of the country over the issues surrounding illegal immigration. bunny and i agree on that topic. the current laws are antiquated and do not keep up with the american/world economy. those that say all illegals should be deported forget this country was founded by immigrants, some legal, some not, but all gave up property, culture, dignity and even their names to make better lives for their families and make this nation what it is and will be. there is enough for everyone, but true generosity and ethical behavior will never win out over the almighty dollar in a capitalist society, of which ours is the absolute best example.

therapy 4.0

i am not very good at taking care of myself.

instead of cutting myself some slack, i bully myself.
instead of accepting my limitations, i tell myself i should do more.
instead of getting enough rest, eating right and relaxing when i am stressed, i do the exact opposite.
instead of extending the same level of compassion and empathy to myself as i do to others, i expect perfection from myself...

...and lord/goddess/buddha/insert-preferred-deity-here help me, i know i am not perfect.

tomorrow night is my appointment at my new health club with a personal trainer so he can exercise me to death.
wednesday night is visit to therapist #4 for therapy round #4 since my 21st year to attempt to stop this downward psychological slide in its tracks.
thursday is nose day. *shudder*...nasal biopsy...*shudder*
friday, hopefully, will be date night with bunny...a real date night.
saturday...well, i don't know.

i'm tired. i wish a bubble bath were all it took to make everything better.

portrait of the artist as a young girl

(a letter to my granny written by my puppet abbiegail. i made the stationary on which it was written. i think i was 10 years old.)


my mom and dad have been slowly going through the contents of my granny's house. she died last may. they've been sorting and tossing and donating with my uncle's blessing as he and my mother slowly start to let go of a life lived. in amongst all the old food in the freezer, the multitude of unworn clothing and the layers of dust lie treasures that are uncovering parts of me.

it is sad in some ways to look back at the child i was. i was curious and imaginative and never stopped drawing or thinking or dreaming. i had a puppet for a very long time that, in essence, was my alter ego. she was much funnier, brasher,less inhibited and so much less fearful than i and everyone loved her. i think abbiegail was the beginning of zelda.

now i feel like zelda has lost her sass, her brash and her shininess. ok, ok, i'm talking about myself so i should just say i have lost those things. sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and wonder where i went. a puffy, sniveling person is left instead. these treasures on creased, worn pages are a glimpse and a glimmer of who i can be. who i want to be. who i need to be.


(my 6th birthday. mom immediately recognized the lamp over our table in the kitchen in the house of my childhood. dad remembered hanging all the balloons and streamers.)

a nose by any other name...

more tests are in my future to try and unravel this mystery that is my misery. next week will find me at the E.N.T.'s office for yet another exam, patient history and more tests. this time the tests will include a nasal biopsy. nasal biopsy!?!?! i think we all know how much pulling a nose hair hurts. i am trying NOT to imagine how much a nasal biopsy will top out the pain meter.

they'd better give me valium...or at least a sticker...possibly a lollipop.

bleh.

signed and sealed

three resumes and cover letters meet three position openings. so many more to find and link to better my odds at doing something else that hopefully, i will like.

if i had no fear and enough reserve money, i'd quite my job now (keeping insurance through cobra, of course) and make a living making art; selling art; thinking art; breathing art; living art.

but i have fear and no reserve money and until my non-allergic problems are determined (which i am beginning to think will be a long time coming), i still get up, drive an hour and work at a job i hate.

i hate very few things.

**********

test results came back this last week. the doctor himself called me with the results. with the exception of one physician, all other doctors i've ever seen have the nurse do the calling with results unless there is something wrong. this doctor is not the exception i spoke of, so the abnormal results give possible hope to an answer to my misery and fear of a life-changing condition.

nothing is definite. no second opinion or multitude of tests has confirmed anything. at this point it is simply four abnormal test results, two specialists to consult with and one worried zelda.

bunny says it's just part of life...but it's not part of my life...or is it?

astrobarry speaks...

"PISCES (February 19-March 20): I strongly encourage you to maneuver a higher union with the truths you already possess inside you—even as you might claim to be 'confused' and/or 'unsure of how to proceed'. Those descriptions originate from your mental self, enough of a smarty-pants to often serve you well, to be sure… but who sometimes gets her/his ideas of how you're feeling from an archive of beliefs about how you should feel. On the other hand, your unfiltered and untranslated feelings, which course throughout your body (not just in the region above your neck), know much more about the current scene—and never kowtow to self-limiting judgments or expectations. They're pure information about how you instinctively react to certain stimuli. Your brain may rebelliously flap and flail and attempt to convince you why what you know will never work, or will cause too many complications. But still, you know what you know. And such undiluted full-body wisdom mustn't be ignored (no matter the immediate fallout), or else you're indirectly informing the source of your intuitive faculties that you don't care about their messages. And if you don't care to follow your intuition, then you're inviting it to shut up and shut down."

~oh boy, am i in for it, now~

(click the title of this entry to visit astrobarry.com for your horrorscope)

contemplation of an immovable object

she sat on the kitchen floor, back to the refrigerator, and stared up at the avocado green wallpaper. it was peeling and torn and had the tracks of the past all over it. this was always where she ended up at her lowest; sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing so hard she was sure her lungs would jump out of her chest through her mouth.

as she tried to quietly sob into her hands that covered her mouth, she wondered if that wallpaper would ever come down. would it all ever come down? if it did, would it be a methodical dismantling of obsolescence or would it just one day fall with a rumble and bury her, choking her of breath and sending chalky, toxic dust into her eyes and nose as she lay obscured on the cold, tile floor?

you don't have to leave texas to visit everything

today i drove to wichita falls, tx and back. i passed new york road and newark road. i also passed the towns of jolly, decatur and harriet. when i used to drive the backroads of nebraska for my job, i'd pass princeton and italy.

*****

today was an 8 on the scale of feeling lousy. i've gone from worse to worser in the last 6 days. yeah, right, i'm not allergic to anything. *ARGH* worser even yet, i can't really do anything about how lousy i feel except try to treat the symptoms which does little at best. i am sooooo over this lousy thing.

*****

i have to get a different line of work. *bleh* job hunting is a full time job and i HAVE a full time job. i am beginning to think more and more i should give myself and my resume over to an employment agency to get into a different line of work. in the meantime, i'm applying for work at the dma (dallas museum of art-click title of this entry for the link to the museum) i have no idea if i'll even get an interview, but if i don't throw my hat into the ring, to borrow a cliche, i'll regret it.

i am tempted every day at my current job to walk out the door and never go back there. it has nothing to do with the people or the company-it's the job. i've realized that while it has been the one stable element to my upheaved life, it was going backwards to do this job.

~i don't want to go backwards. i want to continue moving forward~

*****

yeah, so i'm back from wichita falls. bunny promised dinner on the table when i got home and he's not even here. slacker bunny.

untitled

The cracks in the sidewalk
have the same unevenness.
Grass growing through the concrete,
has the same tenacity.

Stares of strangers
hide the same hatred.
Facades of buildings
hide the same secrets.

My loneliness
speaks the same language.
Your distance
leaves the same hollow.

Move to this new city
keeps the same desperation.
New Apartment
still has the same dinginess.

My plan of escape
has the same failure.
New opportunity
has the same disappointment.

Familiarity in this place,
shows the strangeness even more.


copyright 2004, zelda pinwheel

fish out of water and wanting to be a duck

friday afternoon, bunny and i sat at a park in the extremely wealthy part of town and fought off a geese attack. it was a bit anxious, slightly scary and funny all at the same time. i told the geese that they were spoiled rotten by being highland park geese...pinching innocent folk of their starbucks lemon pound cake.

as we were sitting on the bench after the geese had tired of getting nothing from us, i tried to tell bunny how i am feeling. i looked at the water in the pond and thought how i feel like a fish out of water. the irony is not lost on me since i am a pisces. i am in a city that is unfamiliar, uncomfortable and i am trying desperately to breathe. i am lying on the bank, looking around me while my sides expand and contract to suck in air to sustain me. at the same time i tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to convey this to bunny, i realized how much i want to be a duck. if i were a duck, i could both fly and swim. i would live my life around water, as i already want to do, yet i could still play on the wind. i'd also look cute and have an excuse to waddle. things would just roll off my back, too.

i'm not really a fish or a duck.

t-minus 12 hours to birthday

in approximately 12 hours, i will officially have completed my 36th year on earth.

hmmm.

yeah, that's about all i got to say about that.

when i blow out the candles (figurative ones) i guess my main wish is to find which way is up, again.

bunny said to me last night as i had a moment of clarity while we sat in the bath, "it's good to have you back."

yeah, it cut like a knife to borrow a phrase from bryan adams.

where, o where have i gone?

for granny...Patchwork

Sally bent low over the quilt in front of her, inspecting the stitches. "Fiddle!" she thought to herself, "They are as uneven as the day is long." She began to rip out the row of tiny stitches. She adjusted the half-moon shaped glasses perched on her long, thin nose and leaned closer to the fabric. She wanted to get the stitches perfectly even. No mistakes were allowed on this quilt except for the traditional backwards block.

Sally had always thought that idea was an odd one. The whole tradition of the backwards block surrounded the idea that making something absolutely perfect was to invite the devil. In order to escape the fiery demon’s attention, it was most important to stitch one block of the quilt backwards. She couldn’t recall how many backwards blocks on how many quilts she had made over her 93 year lifetime. This was one more to add to the list. This one was the most important.

It was hypnotic, the stitching. Selecting and cutting the fabric was the most enjoyable part of the process for Sally. She didn’t mind piecing the blocks or laying out the finished top in order to sew it to the backing. The actual quilting of the piece drove her to distraction. When her cousins were alive, she could always count on them to help her. Having Willie and Emma around made the quilting part go so fast. When they were young married women with young children, they would sit over the quilting frame and gossip in the heat of the Texas afternoon. Back in the days before air conditioning, the quilt frame would be set up on the porch to catch the breezes that sometimes came through the valley. Once the chill of conditioned air came to their back roads area, the quilt frame was set up in the parlor. It was never used anyway. Very few people came to visit in that remote area of the Texas hill country and Willie and Emma were long gone.

Pausing from her stitching, Sally raised her head to listen to the twilight sounds stirring outside. It was early summer and she had decided to quilt on the porch for old times’ sake. Through the screened windows and doors of the porch, she heard a symphony of cicadas and crickets. She could smell the cedar and live oak on the breeze. She turned her head and caught the twinkling of fireflies beginning to rise from the blackberry bushes that lined the fence. Tiny winking lights her grandchildren tried to capture in jars. It had been years since her grandchildren had been that young and capricious. She recalled her granddaughter’s skinned knees, gap-toothed grin and disheveled hair. She could never stay clean, that one. Always rolling in the grass or climbing trees to collect the cicada shells stuck to the bark after they got their wings and abandoned their old bodies. The shells clung to the tree and glowed amber in the setting sun.

Sally turned her attention back to her task. She only had a few more stitches to complete the pattern. She watched the needle, propelled and guided by her gnarled fingers as it popped up through the fabric and down into it again, the thread following with a pop then a hiss. Up and down. Up and down. The thimble on her middle finger caught the setting sun and flashed. It was the thimble her mother had given her when she started teaching her to quilt as a girl of eight. Eighty-six years of quilts. Eighty-six years of life and death, love and pain, work and family, loss and friends and all of it pieced in quilts.
With a final tug on her thread, Sally tied the knot to her last line of stitching. She took her half-moon glasses from the end of her nose and rubbed her eyes. Her fingers, twisted with arthritis and years of scrubbing the family wash against a washboard, ached and trembled. She was finished. She gazed over the pattern stretched taught in the quilt frame. How beautiful it was. So many colors and textures and patterns. A piece of her favorite feed sack dress from her childhood here, a flash of her daughter’s wedding dress satin there. They were all there. Her mother, father, cousins, aunts, uncles, husband, children, grandchildren and friends. Pieces of everyone sewn with pieces of her. Her life and heart in the pieces of this most important quilt.

With a sigh, Sally got up and began to dismantle the quilt frame. Gently, reverently, she folded the quilt over her arm. It was such a comforting weight against the thin, fragile paper of her skin. The cotton was soft and worn, much like Sally. She shuffled to her room, the dying summer sun lighting her way with golden arcs of light on the hallway walls. She reached her bed and sat heavily on the side, the ancient mattress barely sagging under her transparent body. She swung her legs up, onto the bed and lay back against the flat, feather pillow. Sally pulled the newly finished quilt over her tired body. With a sigh, she closed her eyes and took her last breath under the comfort and safety of her final patchwork quilt.


copyright 2004, zelda pinwheel

now serving you from a new location

yeah, so, i'm grieving.

i'm grieving the loss of my old blog. it's surprised me a bit how much it has affected me. i've lost the chronicles of the last 3 years of my life including my courtship with bunny, pieces I wrote for my mother and about my granny, poems and thoughts in small moments I don't remember anymore. bunny and I have also lost our joint blog that we wrote at when we lived apart and after we began living together.

i'm trying to get my legs back under me. i'm still feeling lousy most days-different levels of lousy-but I am trying to live through the pain of my non-allergic rhinitis syndrome/vaso-motor rhinitis/we-really-don't-know-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you-itis. I go in for a ct scan this thursday to rule out any polyps, deep infection or...fungus in my sinuses. yes, I said fungus. I have this mental image of tiny, little, phosphorescent mushrooms growing in my sinuses. bunny tells me my nose doesn't emit a glow in the dark, only snoring.

last weekend sucked for many reasons. i'm trying to find control and balance again. i'm lacking it and as we all know, a control freak without control is, well, out of control and really grumpy. i finally admitted the depth to which i miss my friends to bunny. it was a pretty tearful, snotty, nose-blowing mess.

i'm taking vacation today through wednesday. i've been thinking and sleeping, not at the same time. had my eyes checked today, posted to my spiritual discussion group and went for a nice, long walk with bunny this evening. now, it's time for a hot bath with the "aqua seltzer" I bought today in indian jasmine flavor from apothecurious.

i'm here permanently, it looks like, and I checked...blogger backs up all blogs regularly.

trying to find my place

well, i'm here, now, at blogger. i don't think i'll go back to diary-x. i've lost faith and am now just crossing my fingers that the last 3 years of my chronicled life will be recovered, including my template. the last 3 years includes the courtship of zelda and bunny. i just don't want to lose all of that, but it is highly likely i will. i guess it is much like a fire, this drive failure. one figures out what is really important once it happens and that would be for me as well as the administrator of the x.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm teetering on the brink of a deep depression right now. it's kind of odd to recognize it, realize it, yet i can not seem to be compelled to pick up the phone and ask for the help i need. i'm not sure what it will take, but there are moments where i simply have nothing but despair in me. on the other hand, there are moments when i am as close to fine as i have ever been. i am extremely lost and confused-nothing new there.

my health issues are still a mystery. i am beginning to chafe from all the helpful suggestions and advice those around me want to give. i appreciate the concern, but at this point i am tired of talking about it and losing hope it will be figured out with some type of EFFECTIVE, liveable solution. add my guilt that this is not some fatal disease and the physical affects of my non-allergies and i feel pretty lousy all the time. the other day, because i was laughing, one of my co-workers asked if i was feeling better because someone who isn't feeling well doesn't laugh.

i SO wanted to give her a hearty "fuck you." as usual, i was polite and restrained myself. one of these days, i'm just going to pop and it will all come out in a vehement, violent, lava-esque flow of profanity.

so, yeah, i feel lousy. last wednesday, i started feeling worse and have not improved. if i had reacted to any of the allergens they poked me with, at least there would be an opportunity to avoid it or desensitize me with shots. since i am "not allergic to anything," all i can do is take the same crap i have been taking for the last 9 months and see if it helps. 10 days into it and the answer is NO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

no, i'm not in the best of moods. i have't been for a long while. in many ways, i am surprised i am still married. bunny says i am not that difficult to live with, but i find that hard to believe. i suppose i am not giving him enough credit for his patience and compassion by saying that and i am a bad wife. i guess since I find myself difficult to live with and would rather not have to live with myself as i am right now, i assume everyone else has the same point-of-view. bleh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm going to quit whining and try to enjoy the newspaper, my lola savannah pecancoffee, and bunny's pumpkin pecan spice waffles with nutella on them.

i just want an answer as to why i feel so bad. at least once i know what something is, it has a name and is not the scary unknown with no rhyme or reason, only randomness to explain its presence. i may not get that, and i may have to adjust to life with a constant level of feeling lousy as a factor.

that pisses me off to no end.

stay tuned...

i have stuff to say, but it's time for bed...

...in the NEW, king-sized, tempurpedic bed!

i'm a-goin' to sleep.

*sknxnxnxnxnxnnxxx*

(that was the sound of delicate, yet feminine snoring)

stupid blogging stuff

stupid diary-x.

stupid not backing up data.

now i am here.

i hope it's not stupid.

this post is kind of stupid.