stasis

not pregnant.

still waiting.

"health care reform" is all about insurance reform not access to health care.

i am jill's cog in the machine.

i wait and hope and hope and wait while the insurance company does whatever it does to prolong my agony. in the meantime, my joints continue to swell. my energy wains. my temper flares.

at least i am not pregnant.

despair

i can feel the steroids wearing off. the small joints in the bones of my feet and my hands are starting their pins and needles swelling. the bottoms of my feet are beginning to burn and will eventually make me grimace with every step. my fingers will not grip or grasp and will ache and burn.

i am feeling defeated. desperate. broke. impotent. hopeless.

waiting for treatment number four in a year is excruciatingly torturous. will it work? will the insurance company even approve it? will i be back at square one? will i be able to work anymore or will my family be forced to declare bankruptcy or unable to pay for meds or insurance or rent or . . . or . . . or . . .

i feel like i am breaking or at least some parts of me are already broken.

god, i hope i am not pregnant.

at the beginning

where to start?

it has been many months since i have written anything anywhere in regards to what has happened. suffice it to say it has been a ride.

job prospects have come and passed me by. our house is now the property of the bank and we have returned to the rental house. we still struggle each month on one income (thank heavens for that one income) and will most likely have to cut more from what goes out in order to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and health insurance.

i thought life would be much different when i got to this age. i thought i'd have things figures out financially and have paid down a lot of debt to where i wouldn't have to worry so much. make plans . . . well, you know the rest.

i am a stay at home mom, now. i work when i can, but all it does is pay the expenses of my business. while i love spending time with my daughter, time passing in the form of the next bottle, the next dirty diaper or the next nap leaves me wanting. i never realized how much feeling needed at a job was important to me.

i have big ideas. i have plans. those have all been pushed back in order to deal with the special torture of the last couple of months.

i would say i hope for better things to come in 2010, but i don' really know what to hope for anymore. it hasn't worked so far, the hope thing.

great expectations

last night i was in a state. i was anxious and upset and resentful and, and, and . . .

this life i have now, this life that has happened - did i choose it or did i just go with the flow?

i certainly never thought i would be where i am now. mostly what i think of is where i am financially. i had hoped to be farther along and better off. then again, what does "better off" really mean? i am better off with my husband and daughter. we are not "better off" financially right now.

i had expected that on the brink of 40 i would be less encumbered by debt. i did not expect to be near foreclosure or having to short sale a house i love. i never expected to be suing a former tenant for damages to rental property i never in my wildest dreams imagined owning. i never expected to be barely self-employed.

i am hoping business will pick back up and my efforts to re-launch my jewelry line will pay off. i am also hoping that my sewing skills and creativity will bring in some income by selling items i make. i'm hoping the movement towards purchasing hand made items will bring dividends.

for now, i am holding on tightly and tying a knot to hang on. i will be 40 in less than five months. i am curious to see where i'll be then.

it's not protection i believe in, it's OVERprotection

i am alone today. baby c is at daycare. i badly need a break so i may sleep and catch up on a few things that taking care of her do not allow. i actually have a meeting tomorrow for which i must prepare. between teething and a minor cold, sleep patterns and routines have been sorely disrupted leaving me exhausted and aching to the bone.

i had a difficult time wrestling with whether or not to send to her to daycare today. they have had one case of swine flu among the toddlers. there have also been two cases of "regular" flu (as if it is less volatile than H1N1 in being "regular") in two children of one of the employees. i am confident that our daycare takes every precaution to prevent illness, but still . . .

crap.

i had no idea what to do. i realize baby c's grammy disagreed with my decision to send her today and tomorrow. tomorrow wasn't an option in keeping her home. today was optional. i spoke with a friend of mine who has navigated the perils of the same daycare with both of her daughters. it's a hard thing to know when one is being overprotective or just cautious. after discussion and realizing that odds are about even for baby c to get the flu out in the world or in daycare, i opted to send her today.

i hope i'm not wrong. i told her not to pick up any germs that will make her sick. we've had enough hospital drama for this year.

i miss her.

the light of day

i woke this morning when baby c let me know she was ready to start her day. it was nice to still do that.

yesterday, for the first time in my life, i turned down a job offer. i did not take the first thing that came along even though elements of the position, expectations and company nagged at me. i felt so much better last night.

this morning as i looked into my daughter's smiling face, i wondered if i did the right thing. we need another income. i have no crystal ball to know if or when contract work might pick up or if it will remain steady enough to pay some expenses, much less a paycheck. i am back where i was before yesterday, but not. i feel relieved i do not have to perpetuate situations i have dealt with before instead of moving onward and upward. at this stage of my career, i should be doing more. i want to do more than be a cad monkey. i want to stretch and grow, not stagnate. i am grateful that bunny understands and supports this decision.

i will go back to work. it will be the right situation. we will be all right. i have to believe this as i hug my daughter.

from a letter to green

"it is sunday evening at 10:44 p.m. i am alone upstairs while baby c and bunny are sleeping. i should be sleeping, too. as usual, i am trying to get things done that need to be done and are important to be done and go undone if i do not do them. i am tired - nay, exhausted. it was a rainy, whirlwind weekend with the trip to g-town. i thought of your lovely piece of heaven and hoped it had not floated away - at least the house would get caught by the trees before it got to the road. i only hope your tenants faired well and had their wellies (perhaps hip waders were more in order).

i am job hunting. i am not happy about it, but resistance is futile. now, to find that ever elusive j-o-b. i had one interview three weeks ago for a "future" position at one company. yeah, not holding my breath on that one. i have an interview tomorrow for a position that actually exists right now at a different company. there is one more job that would be great, but have heard nothing after sending my resume. oh yeah, i'm supposed to follow up. *snort*

how is the new city? are you all getting settled? is m liking it? how about dog? more importantly, is e enjoying her new schooling? i hope you are all well and happy.

i am a bit melancholy and borderline bluesy tonight. it's sunday, after all, and i just get that way.

love,
me"