trying to find my place

well, i'm here, now, at blogger. i don't think i'll go back to diary-x. i've lost faith and am now just crossing my fingers that the last 3 years of my chronicled life will be recovered, including my template. the last 3 years includes the courtship of zelda and bunny. i just don't want to lose all of that, but it is highly likely i will. i guess it is much like a fire, this drive failure. one figures out what is really important once it happens and that would be for me as well as the administrator of the x.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm teetering on the brink of a deep depression right now. it's kind of odd to recognize it, realize it, yet i can not seem to be compelled to pick up the phone and ask for the help i need. i'm not sure what it will take, but there are moments where i simply have nothing but despair in me. on the other hand, there are moments when i am as close to fine as i have ever been. i am extremely lost and confused-nothing new there.

my health issues are still a mystery. i am beginning to chafe from all the helpful suggestions and advice those around me want to give. i appreciate the concern, but at this point i am tired of talking about it and losing hope it will be figured out with some type of EFFECTIVE, liveable solution. add my guilt that this is not some fatal disease and the physical affects of my non-allergies and i feel pretty lousy all the time. the other day, because i was laughing, one of my co-workers asked if i was feeling better because someone who isn't feeling well doesn't laugh.

i SO wanted to give her a hearty "fuck you." as usual, i was polite and restrained myself. one of these days, i'm just going to pop and it will all come out in a vehement, violent, lava-esque flow of profanity.

so, yeah, i feel lousy. last wednesday, i started feeling worse and have not improved. if i had reacted to any of the allergens they poked me with, at least there would be an opportunity to avoid it or desensitize me with shots. since i am "not allergic to anything," all i can do is take the same crap i have been taking for the last 9 months and see if it helps. 10 days into it and the answer is NO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

no, i'm not in the best of moods. i have't been for a long while. in many ways, i am surprised i am still married. bunny says i am not that difficult to live with, but i find that hard to believe. i suppose i am not giving him enough credit for his patience and compassion by saying that and i am a bad wife. i guess since I find myself difficult to live with and would rather not have to live with myself as i am right now, i assume everyone else has the same point-of-view. bleh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm going to quit whining and try to enjoy the newspaper, my lola savannah pecancoffee, and bunny's pumpkin pecan spice waffles with nutella on them.

i just want an answer as to why i feel so bad. at least once i know what something is, it has a name and is not the scary unknown with no rhyme or reason, only randomness to explain its presence. i may not get that, and i may have to adjust to life with a constant level of feeling lousy as a factor.

that pisses me off to no end.

stay tuned...

i have stuff to say, but it's time for bed...

...in the NEW, king-sized, tempurpedic bed!

i'm a-goin' to sleep.

*sknxnxnxnxnxnnxxx*

(that was the sound of delicate, yet feminine snoring)

stupid blogging stuff

stupid diary-x.

stupid not backing up data.

now i am here.

i hope it's not stupid.

this post is kind of stupid.