an unremarkable nose

it seems of late, my decision-making ability has taken a vacation. normally a fairly decisive person, my befuddled state has caused this ability to take a leave of absence until the situation improves. in order for the situation to improve, i need my decisive abilities...vicious circle, ain't it?

~but i digress~

i am home today. i do not feel well. i have no idea if it has to do with my nose, my state of mind or an outside invader. at any rate, i canceled on work and the dentist (i was not upset to cancel on the dentist) and stayed home.

la schnozz is aching today and the body feels like it's been through a few rounds with the great ali. *sigh*

i wonder constantly if trying to figure out what is wrong with my nose is a waste of time (not to mention money). while it can be difficult to cope with non-allergic, allergy symptoms and an aching nose with no cause, i am tired of no answer and more tests and referrals. the latest experience with the e.n.t. left a sour taste in my mouth and not because he actually did what i was supposed to be there for, but because he had absolutely no idea why i was there, told me nothing, patronized me and charged me for it.

yeah, medicine is great, sometimes.

he said i had an unremarkable nose.

if my nose is so freaking unremarkable...why does it hurt!?!?!?

i am on the point of giving up. i am tired. i am so tired that some days i can't even put one foot in front of the other. this probably has nothing to do with my nose and more to do with everything else i experience/have experienced since moving here.

yeah, an unremarkable nose.

'duh'

Pisces

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Sometimes you do a lot. And sometimes you do too much. It's time to give yourself a break. You've been working really, really hard, and it's time to rest and rejuvenate. It will be better for your long-term stamina, and you need to practice saying no anyhow. So this morning, get started. Look in a mirror. Say, 'no, I can't do that today.' Then add, silently, 'I'm having a personal day of rest. Just for me.' -

i sooo wish this were the case today. i woke up before bunny and watched the sun filter through the red and pumpkin curtains hanging in our bedroom window. i knew the minute i woke up that i didn't want to do what i had to do today. but...i will anyway. it's b.i.l.'s (brother-in-law) birthday celebration.

all i want to do today is relax, plant the flowers we bought yesterday, work in the yard, gesso a board for my idea-on-a-napkin painting, make lasagna and watch a movie with bunny. instead, we'll make the hour trip up and back to b.i.l.'s house.

everything is so far away around here.

********

i had lunch with one of my bosses friday. we sat on the patio of the mexican food restaurant down the street from my office. i got sunburned.

we were talking about stuff and life and it came out of my mouth that one of the things i don't like about dallas (not phrased that way) is the pace of everything. everyone is in a hurry. while the pace of my job in the great white north was no different, the pace of life was a bit slower, a bit gentler, a bit friendlier. i guess folks around here are in a rush to worship at the feet of the almighty dollar, for that is the true religion here. all others are paid lip service and wind up in servitude to the almighty dollar.

********

bunny and i have been arguing (debating?) sexism, racism, power, money and politics. he disagrees that there is sexism. he believes women hold all the power in the world. my point is those with the money hold the power and historically, women have not had the money along with all other minority groups (even though women and a couple of the minority groups are not really minorities in many areas). i told him he was wrong and i am right especially since he is a white, protestant male and part of the ruling class. he still loves me...i hope.

there is much debate in this part of the country over the issues surrounding illegal immigration. bunny and i agree on that topic. the current laws are antiquated and do not keep up with the american/world economy. those that say all illegals should be deported forget this country was founded by immigrants, some legal, some not, but all gave up property, culture, dignity and even their names to make better lives for their families and make this nation what it is and will be. there is enough for everyone, but true generosity and ethical behavior will never win out over the almighty dollar in a capitalist society, of which ours is the absolute best example.

therapy 4.0

i am not very good at taking care of myself.

instead of cutting myself some slack, i bully myself.
instead of accepting my limitations, i tell myself i should do more.
instead of getting enough rest, eating right and relaxing when i am stressed, i do the exact opposite.
instead of extending the same level of compassion and empathy to myself as i do to others, i expect perfection from myself...

...and lord/goddess/buddha/insert-preferred-deity-here help me, i know i am not perfect.

tomorrow night is my appointment at my new health club with a personal trainer so he can exercise me to death.
wednesday night is visit to therapist #4 for therapy round #4 since my 21st year to attempt to stop this downward psychological slide in its tracks.
thursday is nose day. *shudder*...nasal biopsy...*shudder*
friday, hopefully, will be date night with bunny...a real date night.
saturday...well, i don't know.

i'm tired. i wish a bubble bath were all it took to make everything better.