Open for business

i am officially open for business.

(yay!)

i am currently installing software, printing my software set-up guides, waiting for my first project to be faxed over, drinking coffee, eating an organic apple with organic peanut butter and a cup of blueberry yogurt. i'm also doing laundry and sorting through the various layers if crap-ola we have accumulated in the office. *whew* i'm tired! (just kidding!)

so far, my new co-workers (princess of da howse, sir snoopy and milo the destructor) are fine. milo the destructor does have a penchant for racing across my new desk to get to the window, but i think i can adjust. princess of da howse pretty much hangs out in her basket by the door and acts as look out. sir snoopy is napping. what a slacker. they are a far sight better than the combination of m & m at the last office.

so, it's day one as an entrepreneur and i have plenty to do. unfortunately, it's not all billable. i figure by the end of this week, beginning of next, all will be rolling into a rhythm and the projects will be coming in.

in the meantime, bunny and i are waiting on the final response to the house we want on lot 12. cross your fingers for us.

miss boo, 2

it has been a week since miss boo had her leg-ectomy. it was supposed to be a toe-ectomy, but the cancer had spread. she is up and about and getting back to her old, winning personality. she resembles a plucked, sutured chicken on one half of her hind region. she is trying to maintain as much dignity as possible, but with a missing leg, half her fur shaved off and an elizabethan collar to prevent the removal of her remaining stitches, it is a daunting task at best.

********

i quit my job monday. my last day at the green-growy design company is a week from this friday. the following monday, my life as an independent business woman begins. i am so ready. what i find rather humorous is that i still have this innate need to be punctual for a job at a company i dislike and from which i am departing. part of me wishes they'd ask me to leave before next week, with full pay of course, so i wouldn't have to deal with the wacko personalities there.

********

bunny and i are house hunting. well, we found the house for which we were hunting. now it's a matter of financing and offers and realtors and what to do about the current house. we've basically moved into the new house in every aspect but the physical. we drive by it nearly every night and it is not on the way home. sunday, our realtor friend is going with us to "check out the development." bunny is crossing his fingers we will walk out with a signed contract. so am i.

********

this change, this transition, i can handle all of this. amazing what therapy, a supportive husband and anti-depressants can do. i am zelda bunny...hear me roar!

miss boo

princess of da howse is affectionately known as 'boo."

it all started when i began calling her my "sweet baboo" like sally did to linus in the peanuts comic strip. now it is just shortened to 'boo.' ktb likes to embellish it and calls her 'boo-dly-hoo.'

yeah, well, at any rate, the number of toes on her foot is going to be shortened by one next wednesday. we got the biopsy results and her little toe (not so in size right now but as in pinky toe) has a myxosarcoma tumor. it is slow growing, so i am hoping that with the toe-ectomy, they will be able to get all of the cancer. radiation treatment will be recommended if it is discovered it has spread, but i just don't think 'boo' will handle 18 days of radiation treatment, 5 days a week at a time with the specialist's office a good 45 minute drive from home. she is already deathly afraid at the vet and i can not imagine how badly it might traumatize her. i don't want the rest of her life to be spent afraid and mean.

i am struggling with it. she is, after all, my 'boo,' my "sweet baboo."

big, pink bootie

one veterinary oncology appointment, one biopsy, one chemotherapy shot AND one cortisone shot leaves...

one cranky cat.

no news, yet.

yargh!

it has been a tough week at the pinwheel-bunny house.

as you may have read at ktb's blog, princess of da howse has cancer. what kind and what to do about it remains to be seen. yes, she is 12-almost-13 years old, yes she has had a good life for a once-foundling-nearly-always-cranky-sometimes-downright-dangerous cat. still, she is my 'boo' and i am not yet ready to part with her.

i am very forthunate that the pinwheel-bunny family finances are such that i am allowed the luxury of taking her to a veterinary oncologist. if it were two years ago, this would be even more difficult than it already is.

on the job front, work at the green, growy company has been...well...less than stellar. it has been great to have the change in pace, pressure and deadlines. i enjoy working with green growy ideas, however lacking in knowledge i am. i do feel a bit odd designing high-end swimming pool and spas to go with the green, growy things. what has been ultimately difficult and disappointing are two of my co-workers, including the owner of the company. since they're not going to change, i'm going to have to in order to make my life better and myself happier.

so...it has come to my decision that i am starting my own company. i am, once again, going to "whore for the furniture man" and use the skills and knowledge i have gained to do contract work. to quote julia roberts in the movie pretty woman (and this hopefully won't happen again) "i say who, i say where, i say how much." i want flexibility, independence and more money for my work.

my plan is to start my little venture with contract work and devote a portion of my time to the jewelry and artwork side of the business in the hopes that eventually the last two will outweigh the first.

we'll see. wish me luck.

in the meantime, it is ktb's birthday (#40!), sir snoopy and milo the destructor are well, my friend magda is getting married, our families are well, nephew carl the pirate's eye is on the mend and he will get a lense implant to have full vision again and i am thankful for all these things.

monday will see what will happen to princess of da howse.

water wings

i'm still here. i'm just sort of floating along right now. i'm directionless, but not without things to do.


i've weaned myself off the sleeping pills and can actually sleep through the night right now. i'm still on the anti-crazy pills. best friend commented that i've needed them since high school. well, she would know.

life is...in progress. the kitties are good. princess of da howse is in a snit over our latest addition, senor milo and sir snoopy is adjusting to senor milo's style of playing. senor milo prefers to pounce with all four paws and remind everyone he has claws and we don't. he also tends to wake us up at around 4:30 a.m. or so wanting to play and/or be showered with affection. what was i saying about sleeping through the night?

my new job is also...in progress. it's a lot to learn and i am still not completely sure i want to devote myself to it, but the change in pace, location and work has been so extremely beneficial. it is amazing the improvement in my health since i started working there. i am enjoying it.

office politics are...unique. bearable, yet unique, enough said.

bunny and i continue to work on la casa. it, too is in...progress.

what i really want to do is stay home, grow a garden, make things, cook for my family and bake bread. i want to be just like my mom. :0)

life is...in progress. "i'm not dead, just floating." (thank you, p!nk)

now, if only it would cool off and rain. i'm melting and drying up all at the same time.

make plans...

yeah, so, i was supposed to start my new job monday.

nope.

then, i planned to start today.

nope.

now, i'm hoping to start tomorrow.

see, i had a fabulous saturday with my s.i.l. i came home that afternoon, and by evening, i had a fever. by sunday, my stomach was revolting. today is my first day without a fever and 50 million trips to the "people box" (bathroom). sorry if that was too much information.

my fever has been down today and the pop rock feeling in my stomach is not so prevalent. i have eaten solid food with success and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i will be upright and able to attend my first day at my new job tomorrow.

bunny told me he told one of my new bosses that i really did want to work there. so far, they have been quite patient with the situation.

*sigh*

d is for depression and j-o-b spells relief

yeah, yeah...i know. i've been lax in my blogging. i'm in recovery, you see. i'm recovering myself.

so i got some crazy pills to fight the blues and some sleepy pills to keep me snoozing all the night through. so far, good results. i remember who i am. i make it through the day without crying or getting angry over the little things that i would normally not even bother with.

bunny says he doesn't want to push me out of the car as often in the morning, either. good news, that.

*********************************

in about a month, bunny and i will celebrate our first anniversary of mawwiage.
oy, vey!

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so, i got a new job. (YESSSSS! WOO-HOO!) after 12 years, i am leaving the world of contract furniture (cubicle world)! i will soon be part of the landscape design world. i am soooo looking forward to learning about all kinds of growies and what to plant where, etc., etc.

*********************************

yeah, so things are lookin' up. thank heavens.

anybody want to buy some jewelry?

better living through modern chemistry

well, i don't really know if it will be, but...

yeah...so...feeling as if i have failed to be able to control (*snort*) my own life, i have finally given in after months and months of not sleeping, depression and high anxiety (not the mel brooks kind) and gone to the doctor. i've been trying to fix things on my own and things are getting better, but i'm not who i am supposed to be and it hurts so much, anymore. after long contemplation and the added knowledge that this is round 4 of depression and round 3 of therapy AND my grandmother was clinically (although undiagnosed) depressed her entire life, i am now taking a pill for it all...and still having my wednesday evening rendezvous with judy the therapist.

well, actually it's 2 pills, right now.

one pill makes you smaller...ok not really. one pill to help me sleep as a temporary measure, the other to correct the imbalance of chemicals in my brain that causes me to look at the glass as not only half-empty, but as dirty, chipped, filled with crap-ass, cheap wine and completely undrinkable and unworthy of even tasting and completely petrified it will tip over, fall off the table and shatter into a million tiny pieces before i can catch it.

yeah, well...

the doctor said bunny will most likely notice differences in me before i will, if this pill is the right one for me. the sleeping one last night didn't help much. the doc gave me 3 different samples to try of that...but not all at once. *snort* on to sample #2 tonight and, hopefully, some decent, uninterrupted, deep sleep.

now, if only my eye would stop twitching and my nose would get better...

astrobarry does it again...

PISCES (February 19-March 20): I simply cannot let you off the hook from last week's encouragement to leap. This week, we've tossed Mars in the mix, with trines to both Jupiter and Uranus, adding the physical verve necessary to get off your buttocks and take the damn chance. Those of you who are hesitating to rile up your whole life enough to radically refreshen things, you're probably rightfully concerned with those annoying practicalities like money and job and the other chores you're charged with. Well, you're in luck because Venus and Saturn have each other's backs in houses of material security, and they will not let you go hungry—if, that is, you make some sort of massive decision or pledge this week, to go for what feels right over what you think you 'should' do. Even if you take another several months to brainstorm ways to rearrange responsibilities to make room for a completely different lifestyle (and to save up a safety cushion), as long as you do something this week, you'll get the planets' blessings. Otherwise, the trines will merely intensify whatever unattended-to yearnings for liberation linger languidly in your consciousness.

05.01.06

Pisces Daily extended (by Astrology.com)

There's a crazy blob of emotions churning around deep inside your heart, but it's getting easier and easier to get a handle on them. Finally, you're able to get a clear idea of how you feel and where you want to go from here. Make a date with the object of your affection and share your feelings -- find something physical that symbolizes your feelings (a flower, a card, a poem) and use it to help you explain yourself. The urge to share will outweigh any fear of rejection.


~'nuff said~

an unremarkable nose

it seems of late, my decision-making ability has taken a vacation. normally a fairly decisive person, my befuddled state has caused this ability to take a leave of absence until the situation improves. in order for the situation to improve, i need my decisive abilities...vicious circle, ain't it?

~but i digress~

i am home today. i do not feel well. i have no idea if it has to do with my nose, my state of mind or an outside invader. at any rate, i canceled on work and the dentist (i was not upset to cancel on the dentist) and stayed home.

la schnozz is aching today and the body feels like it's been through a few rounds with the great ali. *sigh*

i wonder constantly if trying to figure out what is wrong with my nose is a waste of time (not to mention money). while it can be difficult to cope with non-allergic, allergy symptoms and an aching nose with no cause, i am tired of no answer and more tests and referrals. the latest experience with the e.n.t. left a sour taste in my mouth and not because he actually did what i was supposed to be there for, but because he had absolutely no idea why i was there, told me nothing, patronized me and charged me for it.

yeah, medicine is great, sometimes.

he said i had an unremarkable nose.

if my nose is so freaking unremarkable...why does it hurt!?!?!?

i am on the point of giving up. i am tired. i am so tired that some days i can't even put one foot in front of the other. this probably has nothing to do with my nose and more to do with everything else i experience/have experienced since moving here.

yeah, an unremarkable nose.

'duh'

Pisces

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Sometimes you do a lot. And sometimes you do too much. It's time to give yourself a break. You've been working really, really hard, and it's time to rest and rejuvenate. It will be better for your long-term stamina, and you need to practice saying no anyhow. So this morning, get started. Look in a mirror. Say, 'no, I can't do that today.' Then add, silently, 'I'm having a personal day of rest. Just for me.' -

i sooo wish this were the case today. i woke up before bunny and watched the sun filter through the red and pumpkin curtains hanging in our bedroom window. i knew the minute i woke up that i didn't want to do what i had to do today. but...i will anyway. it's b.i.l.'s (brother-in-law) birthday celebration.

all i want to do today is relax, plant the flowers we bought yesterday, work in the yard, gesso a board for my idea-on-a-napkin painting, make lasagna and watch a movie with bunny. instead, we'll make the hour trip up and back to b.i.l.'s house.

everything is so far away around here.

********

i had lunch with one of my bosses friday. we sat on the patio of the mexican food restaurant down the street from my office. i got sunburned.

we were talking about stuff and life and it came out of my mouth that one of the things i don't like about dallas (not phrased that way) is the pace of everything. everyone is in a hurry. while the pace of my job in the great white north was no different, the pace of life was a bit slower, a bit gentler, a bit friendlier. i guess folks around here are in a rush to worship at the feet of the almighty dollar, for that is the true religion here. all others are paid lip service and wind up in servitude to the almighty dollar.

********

bunny and i have been arguing (debating?) sexism, racism, power, money and politics. he disagrees that there is sexism. he believes women hold all the power in the world. my point is those with the money hold the power and historically, women have not had the money along with all other minority groups (even though women and a couple of the minority groups are not really minorities in many areas). i told him he was wrong and i am right especially since he is a white, protestant male and part of the ruling class. he still loves me...i hope.

there is much debate in this part of the country over the issues surrounding illegal immigration. bunny and i agree on that topic. the current laws are antiquated and do not keep up with the american/world economy. those that say all illegals should be deported forget this country was founded by immigrants, some legal, some not, but all gave up property, culture, dignity and even their names to make better lives for their families and make this nation what it is and will be. there is enough for everyone, but true generosity and ethical behavior will never win out over the almighty dollar in a capitalist society, of which ours is the absolute best example.

therapy 4.0

i am not very good at taking care of myself.

instead of cutting myself some slack, i bully myself.
instead of accepting my limitations, i tell myself i should do more.
instead of getting enough rest, eating right and relaxing when i am stressed, i do the exact opposite.
instead of extending the same level of compassion and empathy to myself as i do to others, i expect perfection from myself...

...and lord/goddess/buddha/insert-preferred-deity-here help me, i know i am not perfect.

tomorrow night is my appointment at my new health club with a personal trainer so he can exercise me to death.
wednesday night is visit to therapist #4 for therapy round #4 since my 21st year to attempt to stop this downward psychological slide in its tracks.
thursday is nose day. *shudder*...nasal biopsy...*shudder*
friday, hopefully, will be date night with bunny...a real date night.
saturday...well, i don't know.

i'm tired. i wish a bubble bath were all it took to make everything better.

portrait of the artist as a young girl

(a letter to my granny written by my puppet abbiegail. i made the stationary on which it was written. i think i was 10 years old.)


my mom and dad have been slowly going through the contents of my granny's house. she died last may. they've been sorting and tossing and donating with my uncle's blessing as he and my mother slowly start to let go of a life lived. in amongst all the old food in the freezer, the multitude of unworn clothing and the layers of dust lie treasures that are uncovering parts of me.

it is sad in some ways to look back at the child i was. i was curious and imaginative and never stopped drawing or thinking or dreaming. i had a puppet for a very long time that, in essence, was my alter ego. she was much funnier, brasher,less inhibited and so much less fearful than i and everyone loved her. i think abbiegail was the beginning of zelda.

now i feel like zelda has lost her sass, her brash and her shininess. ok, ok, i'm talking about myself so i should just say i have lost those things. sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and wonder where i went. a puffy, sniveling person is left instead. these treasures on creased, worn pages are a glimpse and a glimmer of who i can be. who i want to be. who i need to be.


(my 6th birthday. mom immediately recognized the lamp over our table in the kitchen in the house of my childhood. dad remembered hanging all the balloons and streamers.)

a nose by any other name...

more tests are in my future to try and unravel this mystery that is my misery. next week will find me at the E.N.T.'s office for yet another exam, patient history and more tests. this time the tests will include a nasal biopsy. nasal biopsy!?!?! i think we all know how much pulling a nose hair hurts. i am trying NOT to imagine how much a nasal biopsy will top out the pain meter.

they'd better give me valium...or at least a sticker...possibly a lollipop.

bleh.

signed and sealed

three resumes and cover letters meet three position openings. so many more to find and link to better my odds at doing something else that hopefully, i will like.

if i had no fear and enough reserve money, i'd quite my job now (keeping insurance through cobra, of course) and make a living making art; selling art; thinking art; breathing art; living art.

but i have fear and no reserve money and until my non-allergic problems are determined (which i am beginning to think will be a long time coming), i still get up, drive an hour and work at a job i hate.

i hate very few things.

**********

test results came back this last week. the doctor himself called me with the results. with the exception of one physician, all other doctors i've ever seen have the nurse do the calling with results unless there is something wrong. this doctor is not the exception i spoke of, so the abnormal results give possible hope to an answer to my misery and fear of a life-changing condition.

nothing is definite. no second opinion or multitude of tests has confirmed anything. at this point it is simply four abnormal test results, two specialists to consult with and one worried zelda.

bunny says it's just part of life...but it's not part of my life...or is it?

astrobarry speaks...

"PISCES (February 19-March 20): I strongly encourage you to maneuver a higher union with the truths you already possess inside you—even as you might claim to be 'confused' and/or 'unsure of how to proceed'. Those descriptions originate from your mental self, enough of a smarty-pants to often serve you well, to be sure… but who sometimes gets her/his ideas of how you're feeling from an archive of beliefs about how you should feel. On the other hand, your unfiltered and untranslated feelings, which course throughout your body (not just in the region above your neck), know much more about the current scene—and never kowtow to self-limiting judgments or expectations. They're pure information about how you instinctively react to certain stimuli. Your brain may rebelliously flap and flail and attempt to convince you why what you know will never work, or will cause too many complications. But still, you know what you know. And such undiluted full-body wisdom mustn't be ignored (no matter the immediate fallout), or else you're indirectly informing the source of your intuitive faculties that you don't care about their messages. And if you don't care to follow your intuition, then you're inviting it to shut up and shut down."

~oh boy, am i in for it, now~

(click the title of this entry to visit astrobarry.com for your horrorscope)

contemplation of an immovable object

she sat on the kitchen floor, back to the refrigerator, and stared up at the avocado green wallpaper. it was peeling and torn and had the tracks of the past all over it. this was always where she ended up at her lowest; sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing so hard she was sure her lungs would jump out of her chest through her mouth.

as she tried to quietly sob into her hands that covered her mouth, she wondered if that wallpaper would ever come down. would it all ever come down? if it did, would it be a methodical dismantling of obsolescence or would it just one day fall with a rumble and bury her, choking her of breath and sending chalky, toxic dust into her eyes and nose as she lay obscured on the cold, tile floor?

you don't have to leave texas to visit everything

today i drove to wichita falls, tx and back. i passed new york road and newark road. i also passed the towns of jolly, decatur and harriet. when i used to drive the backroads of nebraska for my job, i'd pass princeton and italy.

*****

today was an 8 on the scale of feeling lousy. i've gone from worse to worser in the last 6 days. yeah, right, i'm not allergic to anything. *ARGH* worser even yet, i can't really do anything about how lousy i feel except try to treat the symptoms which does little at best. i am sooooo over this lousy thing.

*****

i have to get a different line of work. *bleh* job hunting is a full time job and i HAVE a full time job. i am beginning to think more and more i should give myself and my resume over to an employment agency to get into a different line of work. in the meantime, i'm applying for work at the dma (dallas museum of art-click title of this entry for the link to the museum) i have no idea if i'll even get an interview, but if i don't throw my hat into the ring, to borrow a cliche, i'll regret it.

i am tempted every day at my current job to walk out the door and never go back there. it has nothing to do with the people or the company-it's the job. i've realized that while it has been the one stable element to my upheaved life, it was going backwards to do this job.

~i don't want to go backwards. i want to continue moving forward~

*****

yeah, so i'm back from wichita falls. bunny promised dinner on the table when i got home and he's not even here. slacker bunny.