sunday

sundays make me sad.

i get into the groove of the weekend with bunny (particularly since we are no longer consumed with rental house renovations) and then it's monday again and i have to be a grown up.

sometimes i want to run away.

i miss parts of myself that are no longer me. i used to drive. i would go out at night with a cd in the stereo, a pack of cloves and a soda and drive for hours singing at the top of my lungs on back country roads. my favorite time of year was fall. i'd roll down the windows, turn up the heat, crank the stereo and light up. the scented smoke would curl around my head as my hair blew in the wind and for just a moment, one single moment, i'd feel lighter than air.

those were painful times. i felt freedom in driving. i couldn't afford much back then and gas was cheap.

i miss those parts. it's kind of like becoming so accustomed to pain, you never realized how bad it was until it was gone. that pain was a comfort in a twisted way. i can still feel the hard knots of scar tissue on my heart now and then when i lay on it just right, late at night.

can i ever run truly away from it and towards what i have now? i wonder sometimes if the sadness then overwhelms the happiness now? then i think that that is just a pathetic thing. but still, the past colors the future no matter how much you want to bleach it bright white.

then was good in a weird way. now is better in a weird way.