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i have a headache and my desk is covered in the detritus of whoring for the furniture man.

drama continues as drama does. brother-in-law is supposed to get out of jail tonight, but not for free, thanks to bunny his boss and me. but he's still making collect calls from jail and making my headache worse.

i want to run away and be a gypsy and carefree like i thought i used to be which was never really true. i want to escape to coffee and music and cigarettes and good music where i can believe i am a heart-wrenching torch singer on someone's piano somewhere.

i need the warmth and comfort of friendship right now. great and wise universe, mother of all i can survey in my small mortal's view, please send me friendship.

i have a headache and my desk is covered in the detritus of whoring for the furniture man. i want to run away from the drama that continues to rise up in my way.

finding bliss

bunny saw oprah the other day (yes, my hubby bunny is an oprah fan) that was about women who looked MUCH younger than their chronological age. he informed me that one thing all these women have in common is they have found their bliss.

well, i've heard all about this finding one's bliss and bloom where you're planted and do what you love. my friends and i have from time-to-time discussed the marriage-career-family triad of having it all and whether this is true or not and how it might fit into the bliss equation.

i have come to the conclusion that my bliss is having a family (furry or otherwise), taking care of them and being creative with sewing or crocheting or jewelry-ing or art-ing. that career thing? not so much my bliss. do those things pay well? not so much.

now, i realize that bunny does not make enough (yet) for zelda to not work. so, i will whore for the furniture man and try hard not to make it a career any more. i am focusing my energies more to my creativity. THAT is my bliss. my kittens are my bliss. my bunny is my bliss. my friends are my bliss. my all-clad cookware and what i can do with it is my bliss. making pie is my bliss.

does this mean i really AM turning into donna reed? it might, but i am planning on buying stitch 'n bitch, the happy hooker to re-learn crocheting. is that something donna reed would do?

wwdrd?

no applause, just genuflection, please.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Most Serene Highness Lady Zelda the Undulant of Longer Interval Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

donna reed

i was such a good, 1950's style wife this morning.

i got up, fixed my husband two eggs over easy, two strips of bacon, a slice of toast with butter and a nice, glass of orange juice.

then i sent him on his merry way (more like anxious and stressed way) to take architectual license exam number 8 of 9.

he is in the test right now and i so hope he is calm and collected and able to get through all the questions.

whether he passes or fails, i know he will attain his goal. i just wish he hadn't been so anxious when he left this morning.

i guess even a 1950's style wife can't solve the world's problems.

betwixt and between...

...i am very lonely.

i got yer pipe cleaner right here

plumber came again today. we have a regular plumber now. his name is david. he's been to our house 3 times in the last month. he knows our pipes inside and out. if this keeps up, he'll have a christmas stocking hanging on our mantel next year.

but wait! we'll have a mantel next year!

projected closing date on new house is beginning of april. our house will be an aries if all goes as planned.

still having sewer issues, but some are fixed. waiting on a meeting with the city about the remaining problem.

i hope i'm still not waiting this time next year.

merry

it's the evening of christmas day.

the tree was finally decorated yesterday as were the sugar cookies.
all the gifts were wrapped by saturday and the last were unwrapped today.

i have received many gifts this year and the greatest were not wrapped in pretty paper nor tied with sparkling bows. none of them cost a dime.

i am grateful and blessed.

i am thankful.

enough

i am so done with all of this today. no more, please. i'm trying to quit.

the downhill side of the roller coaster

not such an easy thing is life. it should be. at least i think it should be.

i'm feeling things i don't want to feel and can't easily explain right now. i want to be happy, but i'm edging on the blues.

the plumber couldn't come today. it's raining and plumbers don't like to plumb in the rain.

tomorrow, i hope.

it will be christmas at my house...

...come hell or sewer water!

yeah, so i spent my afternoon at target replacing bath mats, towels and pajamas that got in the way of the great sewer disaster. i really like my new bathroom rug and i hope bunny will like his, too! i'm not sure i'm sold on the towels i got. i think they're too pinky-brown for the bathroom.

at any rate, the house is sanitized and the bathrooms have been cleaned within an inch of their lives. the cleaning company that came out yesterday was awesome! two hours and my house was lemony fresh and sewer water remnants free! woo-hoo!

since the sewer line problem is not fixed, yet, bunny and i are being very careful not to involove the drains in a lot of work. let's just say that if it's yellow, we let it mellow and no paper products of any kind will go near any of the toilets. perhaps renting a port-a-potty would be easier, but i'm not to that point, yet.

wednesday is the soonest we can get anyone to try to fix the problem. hopefully, it will be fixed on wednesday and not drag out longer. we have tree roots obstructing our sewer line and the city guys called the mass of roots a "gator." i call it a pain in my pocket book. still no idea if insurance will cover any of our expenses. i'm not holding my breath.

********************

to lift my spirits and remind myself that it is indeed the holidays, i bought a pretty wreath and i hung it above our garage door. i didn't fall off the ladder or anything. yay! i also replaced our tree skirt since the old one got sludged. i'm hoping the cats won't chew the tassles off the new one immediately.

christmas shopping is almost finished. spending some family time with sister bunny and family tomorrow. next weekend we'll see mom and dad pinwheel, as well as brother pinwheel and his fiance.

**********************

i'm exhausted, but we're going to be ok. i am grateful for friends who are lawyers and holiday inn's that allow cats at no extra charge and for my tempurpedic bed and chiro-flow pillow.

when the universe wants you to clean house...

...sometimes it backs up the sewer.

so, yeah, every drain in our house yesterday backed up with sewer water. it overflowed in the bathrooms into the studio and hallway and master bedroom and from the garage where the washing machine is into the kitchen and dining area.

yay and merry freakin' christmas.

so, we are camping at the holiday inn next to i-35 with the cats. the mattress is lumpy and the cats are kind of freaked (as am i) but the room service breakfast was pretty damn good. right now, our house is full of blowers and de-humidifiers and the smell of sporicide which makes me cough. it sounds like a wind tunnel and will dry out your skin in seconds flat.

we are dealing with the insurance company, plumbers, cleaning services, a roll-off dumpster and the city. the blockage that caused all this is 75 feet from our house at the main. i never thought i'd get to see the inner workings of our sewer line on video. it is true that the camera adds 10 pounds.

we are moving back in tomorrow, come hell or (pardon the pun) high water. hopefully, all the equipment will be gone, soon and we can get to repairing the sheet rock and tile.

in the mean time, i am trying to deal with this AND still get in billable hours. while i am usually level-headed in a crisis, i lost it and freaked out yesterday when i discovered the water. i freaked out all over bunny's shirt.

well, i'm off to answer the door and get an estimate on sanitizing our house.

ttfn

perfectionists anonymous

there needs to be a recovery support group for perfectionists like me. of course, it would never really work...it wouldn't live up to the participants' expectations.

*snort*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yeah, so i'm giving up perfectionism for lent. what's that you say? it's not lent and you know i'm not a christian? hmmm...makes one wonder on how successful i'll be at renouncing perfectionism. still...one day at a time...

bunny wisdom

last night, bunny and i discussed the situation with my former boss. he made me realize it is not about what i said nor is it about my karma. it is more about her karma and how she reacted to the situation.

it really helps to have the bunny perspective.

i feel better about it. i'm still me and i'm not gonna change that.

**************

i'm nursing a cold right now. i'm not down for the count, but i feel like i'm at round 12. i took today off and napped quite a bit. i've kept the anxiety at bay since my billable hours aren't fulfilled this week. no worries, i'll get them in later. my goals for this four day weekend are to make jewelry, make jewelry, make jewelry, finish a few things for da furniture man, spend time with my family and have date night with bunny.

my plan for date night is to bake holiday cookies with bunny (decorated, of course) and watch ice age-the meltdown. bunny says his plans for our next date night involve getting dressed up and going out.

i smell a shopping trip...

bunny is sleeping right now. i've made the "heavenly potatoes" for tomorrow's feast and will make the apple pie a la zelda tomorrow morning. the kittens are all snoozing and it is time for me to wash my face, say my prayers and go to bed.

g'night.

bridges unintentionally burned and karma

karma, what an interesting concept.

i've gotten through many things in my life relying on my belief in karma. you know..."what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow" or "live by the sword, die by the sword."

ok, that last one was a bit violent.

at any rate, i lost business this week because of what i said in an exit interview nearly 2 years ago. what i said in that interview was not a personal attack, merely my perspective about what had happened while i was at the company and the state my former department was in at the time. my former boss took it personally. i lost a project because of it.

*sigh*

still, i stick to what i said and my reasons for saying it. i guess honesty of perspective can sometimes lead to karma biting one in the ass...er...pocketbook. i hold no grudge against said person, but said person obviously holds one against me.

i can't stop being who i am or thinking as i do so i'll just have to deal and move on.

chapters closing

ah, another chapter in my life today closed...well, it slammed shut.

some people in this world will always be in high school; will always think they are in high school; will always act like they are in high school.

tell me, why after 2+ years would someone bother to care if someone they used to know read their blog and why would someone bother to pick a fight via their blog with the aforementioned person?

the blame game and immaturity, methinks...the same reasons the aforementioned person stopped seeing the other.

confessions of an entrepreneur

well, i have definitely learned how to spell 'entrepreneur.' darn those french with their tricky use of e's and u's!

i'm supposed to be working right now. shhhhh! don't tell my boss. oh, wait! that's me!

*snort*

i have to confess, this whole working for myself thing isn't all bon bons and cappuccinos. in fact, i have neither bon bons nor cappuccinos in my house. -note to self: stock up on bon-bons and cappuccino. i wonder if costco has those?- at any rate, i found myself worrying last night as i was trying to fall asleep. i was worrying about money and having enough. of course, i'd have to be able to define 'enough' in order to quit worrying about it. therein lies the rub. i checked the pinwheel-bunny bank account and the pinwheel business account this morning and my worries were assuaged. *whew*

i also worry that i will get my website up and running and the jewelry biz started in time for the holiday buying season. i need to set aside time for this and fast! i am getting caught up in whoring for the furniture man and i have to remember i'm supposed to get to say who, how much and when. it's the when part that i'm a little fuzzy about.

at any rate (an expression i picked up from my mother many years ago), yesterday was a nice day. bunny took the day off as did i to spend it with mama pinwheel at the dallas museum of art and the nasher sculpture center. the day was gorgeously beautiful and the temperature was just right. we saw the van gogh exhibition and lunched at the nasher cafe. the $10 sandwiches were actually worth that much! how refreshing. today, my knees and feet are feeling the effects of standing/walking on concrete for about 6 hours.

in other unrelated news, miss boo is now able to get up to our bed with the assistance of a step. she is happy as a clam (although i wonder if clams can be unhappy) and has slept with us the last two nights. she is also up and about much more. i caught her bickering with sir snoopy this morning as he was reminding her to be careful while climbing over boxes. (at least, that's what i like to think he was doing.)

i gotta get back to work...billable hours, ya' know.

because it's election day...

i voted!

you should, too!

because i can...

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

chronicles of an entrepreneur

so it is week two of being the boss. so far, my employees are less than attentive to my requests and more inclined to taking naps or stalking birds from the window sill.

so far today, i have issued my first invoice for 20.5 hours of billable time last week. i am looking forward to receiving my first payment next week and, if i didn't need to bring home the bacon, i'd probably frame that sucker and stick it on my desk next to my first wedding anniversary card that came with flowers from my husband. i have my priorities straight. *snort*

this business thing, while not tricky, can be quite complicated. all those hours of paper work and administrative tasks i used to perform and get paid for, are now freebies to the client since they are not billable time. *sigh* that's ok. that's why i figured out my hourly rate. :0) i have to get all the payroll taxes figured out, but i am adopting a scarlett o'hara attitude with it for a while. besides, "tomorrow is another day."

***groove is in the heart. what an awesome song.***

on today's agenda are double checking a huge inventory of furniture from the airport, working on reconfiguring work stations for the city, a trip to the post office and receiving my order for jewelry supplies. yay! the website is coming along and i also have to come up with witty things to say to draw customers in and make them want to buy my fabulous art and jewelry! yeah, maybe not today.

"she works hard for the money..."

a weighty issue

i've talked about this before. of course, that would have been on my now vaporized diary-x blog. at any rate, my weight has been the subject of my blogging many times over and here it is again.

about two years ago, i lost 40 pounds. since moving, changing jobs and marrying ktb, i've gained half that back. i haven't gained any weight in about 6 months. the re-gain occurred between december of 2005 and april of 2006 in the depths of my depression. there are many reasons why i have gained and lost weight over my lifetime. genetics, depression, stress, emotional/psychological issues, abuse name but a few. i have struggle with it my ENTIRE life and i married a man who has never had to worry about his weight.

talk about confronting an issue.

my husband enjoys watching oprah, especially when dr. mehmet oz appears on the show for more fun and games with biology. i find his information extremely helpful and i appreciate his perspective on the issues of weight and risks for heart disease and cancer. every time bunny watches one of these appearances, the issue of my weight rears its ugly head.

now, before you think ill of bunny, i must inform you that he is not mean or spiteful or hurtful about my weight. he loves me for who i am and it is my own issues that make this difficult to deal with. however, even though he comes from a place of love and concern when he brings up lifestyle changes for better health, it's still hard for me.

i have yo-yo'd many times. yes, i am well above the point at which the government has deemed i would be healthy in proportion to my weight. the stock from which my genes are derived are dense, plump, german folk who never worried a day in their lives whether or not they were over a government limit that might mean higher health insurance rates, much less a higher risk for fatal diseases. they just were who they were. they ate what they ate and lived as they lived.

i have compared myself cruelly to everyone else in the room, to those on the covers of magazines, to everyone in movies and tv shows and to people as i walk the streets in the everyday. i never measure up. well, i measure up which is the issue. i have been the fat girl since i was 10 and hit puberty, or more accurately, puberty hit me. i have not shopped in "regular" stores in my adult life with the exception of two years in my teens when i was borderline anorexic. i have been ridiculed, villified, discriminated against and generally made to feel less than human on more than one occasion. i know it was one reason i did not date for many years.

still, i know that weight is not the whole of my character. i know that my struggles with weight have had a large (no pun intended) part in creating who i am today as are many other things that have left their fingerprints on me. i know that when i look in the mirror, the adjectives i use to describe myself are rarely kind and often perfectionist which only reinforce the things i have been lead to believe by a society that judges based on appearance and my own demons.

so, what is all this potentially nauseating, self-confessional, quasi-therapeutic dribble for?

i'm trying to come to terms with who i am, physically and spiritually and emotionally and psychologically. i am trying to be happy with what the universe has given me in this life INCLUDING my physical shell. i am trying to find a healthy way to live that does not put food at the center of my existence nor as the balm for my emotional wounds. i am trying to be healthy, live healthfully and think healthfully.

*snort*

no small order there. 27 years of unhealthy attitudes is a lot to overcome, but i can not give up hope that i will have some understanding and maybe, just maybe, gain a little wisdom when it comes to my body and how i see it/think it/feel it/LOVE it.