sometimes women get weary

it seems all i do these days is talk myself blue . . . mostly to my husband who just stares at me.

i've come to the conclusion we either do not speak the same language or he has a hearing (perhaps listening) problem or i have a speaking problem or, like everyone else says, it is all sleep deprivation. i don't know. i'm just tired.

i am weary of being the dynamite under his butt.
i am weary of being last for consideration.
i am weary of sleep deprivation.
i am weary of financial problems and foreclosure and short sales.
i am weary of to do lists that never get done.
i am weary of clutter and crap and crappy clutter.
i am weary of job hunting.
i am weary of resistance - mostly mine - i know it's futile to resist.
i am weary of health issues.
i am weary of medical bills - $11,000 worth to be exact.
i am weary of no fun.
i am weary of no rain.
i am weary of no-show showings of the house.
i am weary of stress.
i am weary of unemployment without benefits.
i am weary of calendars.
i am weary of being fat.
i am weary of low self-esteem.
i am weary of depression.
i am weary of feeling useless.
i am weary of limbo
i am weary of laundry and dishes and all the chores that never end.

i am NOT weary of baby c's laughter.
i am NOT weary of baby c's smile.
i am NOT weary of baby c's warm smelling head.
i am NOT weary of being baby c's mama.

i want to run away with baby c and, yes, her papa to a wonderful place where i am not weary and have no worries and we can live happily ever after.

yes, i am dreaming.

7 days

t-minus 7 days and counting until baby arrives! i am excited, uncomfortable and mildly terrified. it will be good.

late into the night last night, bunny and i made the decision to put our house on the market in may. it is difficult, but it is the right one. we will have to either move back to the rental house we own or find someplace else to rent, depending on what our tenant does.

i find i am actually ok with this. i am planning the rooms and what will go where and i have a sense of calm. it will be a good base to start over and rebuild what we had started. we have learned a lot with our current house, much of it expensive, but valuable to us nonetheless.

at any rate, in about 7 days, we will have our baby in our arms and life begins anew again for us.

sweet

last night my hands smelled of peaches.

i blanched, peeled and cut up 5 1/2 lbs of peaches-freestone county, texas peaches. we stopped on our way back from my aunt's house at a road side stand. they were selling freshly picked peaches, strawberries and other local produce. it was heady to hand over my $20 to buy a peck of peaches fresh from the tree. our car smelled so good on the rest of the trip home. it spoke to me of summer and childhood and peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

i will have peaches for a while, now.


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we visited my aunt this past weekend. she lives in houston. it's been 21 years (gak!) since i last visited her. this was the first time for me to visit her alone and as an adult. i told bunny that i was jealous of him since he had no baggage in relation to my family. he got to meet and get to know her without any preconceived ideas or past experience.

i have a difficult relationship with my family on my father's side. it has to do with manipulation by my grandmother, difficulty with my grandfather, criticism by many adult relatives about my weight, living very far away from all of them and many other things too numerous to mention. i am trying to get to know them and, in turn, they get to know me.

it was a good weekend with my aunt. i became less intimidated. i think i became less "weird" to her (nose piercing, tattoos and all) and we found common ground. bunny enjoyed himself, too. the astros lost, but the astro dogs were tasty.

so, my hands smelled of peaches last night. i wish it hadn't faded.

hope denied

we took a really sick stray kitty to the vet saturday. we (and a whole bunch of other people) found him at the town square. he was skin and bones and covered in icky stuff. everyone was standing around looking at him and i couldn't just stand there, so we took him to the vet.

it was really sad because he had FIV and mouth cancer, so he couldn't eat or drink. the whole time he was in such pain, he still wanted love and affection from us. he rose up to meet our stroking fingers as they bumped their way down his bony back. he head butted us to make us his and ask for more scritchings under his chin and rubbings on his ears. we ended up having to put him to sleep.

i cried.

i named him travelin' joe. i like to think he was looking for us when he showed up on the square because he didn't want to be in pain and have to starve any more; that he wanted a last bit of loving to make him feel like someone's baby again.

he was "ours" for about an hour and a half.

sunday

sundays make me sad.

i get into the groove of the weekend with bunny (particularly since we are no longer consumed with rental house renovations) and then it's monday again and i have to be a grown up.

sometimes i want to run away.

i miss parts of myself that are no longer me. i used to drive. i would go out at night with a cd in the stereo, a pack of cloves and a soda and drive for hours singing at the top of my lungs on back country roads. my favorite time of year was fall. i'd roll down the windows, turn up the heat, crank the stereo and light up. the scented smoke would curl around my head as my hair blew in the wind and for just a moment, one single moment, i'd feel lighter than air.

those were painful times. i felt freedom in driving. i couldn't afford much back then and gas was cheap.

i miss those parts. it's kind of like becoming so accustomed to pain, you never realized how bad it was until it was gone. that pain was a comfort in a twisted way. i can still feel the hard knots of scar tissue on my heart now and then when i lay on it just right, late at night.

can i ever run truly away from it and towards what i have now? i wonder sometimes if the sadness then overwhelms the happiness now? then i think that that is just a pathetic thing. but still, the past colors the future no matter how much you want to bleach it bright white.

then was good in a weird way. now is better in a weird way.

a day without rain

we've had two of them, so far. who'd have thought texas would become a tropical rainforest?

yes, i know it has been a while. here is what has been happening...

we moved
we hired nephew bunny to do work on the old house
i had surgery
i took a week off work for recovery
i got flowers from four different peoples to "get well, soon"
i exclaimed, "they're so small!"
my little brother got married
we ran out of money for the old house
work was slow with the holiday so billings were down
found out isabel kitty has a tumor that must be removed
bunny updated all of our financial information
we ran out of money some more
we argued and discussed what to do with the old house
we have not decided (well, bunny hasn't) what to do with the old house
milo kitty went for his annual check up and weighs 12 lbs
work picked up and i will now be very busy
my new, smaller, perky breasts are healing
my clothes don't fit right any more
i haven't had to wear dressings on my incisions for several days
i had to take pain meds last week because i overdid at li'l bro's wedding
bunny took me to dinner and to see spamalot with his designer friend

hmm. that's quite a lot. in 8 days, bunny and i will have been married for two years!

i want to go shopping
i need to get back into training for the 3 day walk
i am pining for my friends
i love my bunny husband

up in the air

i have juggled before.

i have juggled a full time job, full time college and maintained friendships and family obligations.
i have juggled events as i planned them and multiple projects at work.
i have been and always will be a juggler.

this point in my life is the biggest juggling act, thus far.

i am juggling my own business, paying my accountant, finding money to purchase software, closing on a new home, renovating the old one, packing to move (that hasn't EVEN started) and trying to at least keep the kitchen clean and laundry done.

i'm tired. my arms are tired from the juggling. i am hoping i can keep this up until the big stuff is completed in about a month.

i CAN'T WAIT to move to our new house! my 'honey do' list keeps growing. i'm hoping it will all settle out by july?

sheesh.