doin' the white girl's overbite

stasis

2012-02-05T17:40:00.000-06:00

not pregnant.

still waiting.

"health care reform" is all about insurance reform not access to health care.

i am jill's cog in the machine.

i wait and hope and hope and wait while the insurance company does whatever it does to prolong my agony. in the meantime, my joints continue to swell. my energy wains. my temper flares.

at least i am not pregnant.

despair

2012-01-28T18:26:00.000-06:00

i can feel the steroids wearing off. the small joints in the bones of my feet and my hands are starting their pins and needles swelling. the bottoms of my feet are beginning to burn and will eventually make me grimace with every step. my fingers will not grip or grasp and will ache and burn.

i am feeling defeated. desperate. broke. impotent. hopeless.

waiting for treatment number four in a year is excruciatingly torturous. will it work? will the insurance company even approve it? will i be back at square one? will i be able to work anymore or will my family be forced to declare bankruptcy or unable to pay for meds or insurance or rent or . . . or . . . or . . .

i feel like i am breaking or at least some parts of me are already broken.

god, i hope i am not pregnant.

at the beginning

2009-12-16T20:27:00.000-06:00

where to start?

it has been many months since i have written anything anywhere in regards to what has happened. suffice it to say it has been a ride.

job prospects have come and passed me by. our house is now the property of the bank and we have returned to the rental house. we still struggle each month on one income (thank heavens for that one income) and will most likely have to cut more from what goes out in order to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and health insurance.

i thought life would be much different when i got to this age. i thought i'd have things figures out financially and have paid down a lot of debt to where i wouldn't have to worry so much. make plans . . . well, you know the rest.

i am a stay at home mom, now. i work when i can, but all it does is pay the expenses of my business. while i love spending time with my daughter, time passing in the form of the next bottle, the next dirty diaper or the next nap leaves me wanting. i never realized how much feeling needed at a job was important to me.

i have big ideas. i have plans. those have all been pushed back in order to deal with the special torture of the last couple of months.

i would say i hope for better things to come in 2010, but i don' really know what to hope for anymore. it hasn't worked so far, the hope thing.

great expectations

2009-10-25T22:27:00.000-05:00

last night i was in a state. i was anxious and upset and resentful and, and, and . . .

this life i have now, this life that has happened - did i choose it or did i just go with the flow?

i certainly never thought i would be where i am now. mostly what i think of is where i am financially. i had hoped to be farther along and better off. then again, what does "better off" really mean? i am better off with my husband and daughter. we are not "better off" financially right now.

i had expected that on the brink of 40 i would be less encumbered by debt. i did not expect to be near foreclosure or having to short sale a house i love. i never expected to be suing a former tenant for damages to rental property i never in my wildest dreams imagined owning. i never expected to be barely self-employed.

i am hoping business will pick back up and my efforts to re-launch my jewelry line will pay off. i am also hoping that my sewing skills and creativity will bring in some income by selling items i make. i'm hoping the movement towards purchasing hand made items will bring dividends.

for now, i am holding on tightly and tying a knot to hang on. i will be 40 in less than five months. i am curious to see where i'll be then.

it's not protection i believe in, it's OVERprotection

2009-10-08T12:19:00.003-05:00

i am alone today. baby c is at daycare. i badly need a break so i may sleep and catch up on a few things that taking care of her do not allow. i actually have a meeting tomorrow for which i must prepare. between teething and a minor cold, sleep patterns and routines have been sorely disrupted leaving me exhausted and aching to the bone.

i had a difficult time wrestling with whether or not to send to her to daycare today. they have had one case of swine flu among the toddlers. there have also been two cases of "regular" flu (as if it is less volatile than H1N1 in being "regular") in two children of one of the employees. i am confident that our daycare takes every precaution to prevent illness, but still . . .

crap.

i had no idea what to do. i realize baby c's grammy disagreed with my decision to send her today and tomorrow. tomorrow wasn't an option in keeping her home. today was optional. i spoke with a friend of mine who has navigated the perils of the same daycare with both of her daughters. it's a hard thing to know when one is being overprotective or just cautious. after discussion and realizing that odds are about even for baby c to get the flu out in the world or in daycare, i opted to send her today.

i hope i'm not wrong. i told her not to pick up any germs that will make her sick. we've had enough hospital drama for this year.

i miss her.

the light of day

2009-09-17T12:56:00.003-05:00

i woke this morning when baby c let me know she was ready to start her day. it was nice to still do that.

yesterday, for the first time in my life, i turned down a job offer. i did not take the first thing that came along even though elements of the position, expectations and company nagged at me. i felt so much better last night.

this morning as i looked into my daughter's smiling face, i wondered if i did the right thing. we need another income. i have no crystal ball to know if or when contract work might pick up or if it will remain steady enough to pay some expenses, much less a paycheck. i am back where i was before yesterday, but not. i feel relieved i do not have to perpetuate situations i have dealt with before instead of moving onward and upward. at this stage of my career, i should be doing more. i want to do more than be a cad monkey. i want to stretch and grow, not stagnate. i am grateful that bunny understands and supports this decision.

i will go back to work. it will be the right situation. we will be all right. i have to believe this as i hug my daughter.

from a letter to green

2009-09-13T22:54:00.002-05:00

"it is sunday evening at 10:44 p.m. i am alone upstairs while baby c and bunny are sleeping. i should be sleeping, too. as usual, i am trying to get things done that need to be done and are important to be done and go undone if i do not do them. i am tired - nay, exhausted. it was a rainy, whirlwind weekend with the trip to g-town. i thought of your lovely piece of heaven and hoped it had not floated away - at least the house would get caught by the trees before it got to the road. i only hope your tenants faired well and had their wellies (perhaps hip waders were more in order).

i am job hunting. i am not happy about it, but resistance is futile. now, to find that ever elusive j-o-b. i had one interview three weeks ago for a "future" position at one company. yeah, not holding my breath on that one. i have an interview tomorrow for a position that actually exists right now at a different company. there is one more job that would be great, but have heard nothing after sending my resume. oh yeah, i'm supposed to follow up. *snort*

how is the new city? are you all getting settled? is m liking it? how about dog? more importantly, is e enjoying her new schooling? i hope you are all well and happy.

i am a bit melancholy and borderline bluesy tonight. it's sunday, after all, and i just get that way.

love,
me"

sometimes women get weary

2009-09-01T22:01:00.005-05:00

it seems all i do these days is talk myself blue . . . mostly to my husband who just stares at me.

i've come to the conclusion we either do not speak the same language or he has a hearing (perhaps listening) problem or i have a speaking problem or, like everyone else says, it is all sleep deprivation. i don't know. i'm just tired.

i am weary of being the dynamite under his butt.
i am weary of being last for consideration.
i am weary of sleep deprivation.
i am weary of financial problems and foreclosure and short sales.
i am weary of to do lists that never get done.
i am weary of clutter and crap and crappy clutter.
i am weary of job hunting.
i am weary of resistance - mostly mine - i know it's futile to resist.
i am weary of health issues.
i am weary of medical bills - $11,000 worth to be exact.
i am weary of no fun.
i am weary of no rain.
i am weary of no-show showings of the house.
i am weary of stress.
i am weary of unemployment without benefits.
i am weary of calendars.
i am weary of being fat.
i am weary of low self-esteem.
i am weary of depression.
i am weary of feeling useless.
i am weary of limbo
i am weary of laundry and dishes and all the chores that never end.

i am NOT weary of baby c's laughter.
i am NOT weary of baby c's smile.
i am NOT weary of baby c's warm smelling head.
i am NOT weary of being baby c's mama.

i want to run away with baby c and, yes, her papa to a wonderful place where i am not weary and have no worries and we can live happily ever after.

yes, i am dreaming.

wednesdays

2009-08-26T20:45:00.002-05:00

it's my "night off."

well, it's my three hours alone without baby c or hubby into which i'm supposed to cram all of my relaxation and me time. it never works out that way.

instead, i do dishes, wash and assemble bottles, tidy up the house, do laundry (mostly diapers, now) and watch a little tv.

my head is spinning from this week. lots of running around and driving all over the face of creation . . . or dallas/denton/collin counties. job interview went fine yesterday. company doesn't know what they want so i don't know if i want the job that has not been defined, yet. i have a resume to put together for another job that will be posted next tuesday. in the meantime, i am taking projects as i can and hoarding my time with baby c.

there is nothing more wonderful than walking into baby c's room in the morning and having her open her beautiful eyes and smile at me. she knows i'm her mama and that i love her. every day is christmas. tomorrow is her four month check-up with more immunizations. i have nothing scheduled for the next two days so she and i can rest and play and laugh.

baby c laughed for the first time yesterday. being mama rocks.

meh

2009-08-19T19:37:00.003-05:00

so, i've started the search for a j-o-b out in the big "real" world.

it is not what i want. i'm not sure it's what i need, either.

we need a second income, but i don't want another maddening dealership designer job with an endless, frustrating commute where all my time and energy is sucked from me away from my family and home.

i need to be with my daughter. i hate the thought of someone else taking care of her while i work. everyone i talk to reminds me that "everyone else does it." i don't want to be "everyone else." i need to be baby c's mom and take care of her every day.

i need to manage our house and cook our meals so we eat a healthier, less processed diet. i need to serve my community and want time to do it. i need to be creative and want time to do that, as well.

working for myself from home was very good when the work was good. it has not been good for eight months, now. i need good, creative, gainful work. i want to do it from home where i need to be mom and domestic engineering goddess.

it's out in the universe, now. maybe i'll get what i think i need?

hmph.

listen

2009-08-06T09:04:00.004-05:00

i'm on my second cup of coffee this morning. i know i will have three. that's the only way i survive these days - legal stimulants.

i'm supremely frustrated these days. the changes brought by having a child are one stressor, but add everything else i am dealing with and it's a recipe for the looney bin. i tell bunny what i need - in those words - yet i get the feeling i sound like ms. othmar in peanuts to him. i'm talking, but no one is hearing what i am saying or reacting to it. it is until i'm in the middle of a complete meltdown that anything changes and then it is only until i am "better."

i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do about anything anymore. i am beginning the downward spiral into depression. i know - like you know about a good melon although i have difficulty picking a good melon. i'm trying to keep it together, but i'm not too successful right now.

i want the issues to go away. i want them resolved. i want life to move on and not be stuck in this cesspool of financial misery.

time to wake the joy of my days and play with her.

need

2009-08-03T21:57:00.002-05:00

pregnant
diabetic
"older" mom
testing error
amniocentesis
downs syndrome false positive
unemployment
unemployment
cobra insurance payments
delinquent mortgage
tenant issues
round ligament pain, pain, pain
baby face up
still birth risk
turn, baby, turn
induce labor
non-progressive labor
c-section
bouncing, beautiful baby girl
healing
no work at all
sleep deprivation
mystery fever
hospital stay one
mystery fever redux
ruptured baby appendix
ruptured baby abdominal abscess
belly bloated
bilious emesis
baby girl critical
emergency surgery
icu
picc line
four weeks
scars
$200,000+
$11,000+ after insurance
still no work
one income
diapers
formula
baby smiles
baby smells
baby love
disconnected
short sale
bankruptcy?
exhaustion
still sleep deprived
go, go, go
do, do, do
argue
back pain
hip pain
purge and pack
no yoga
weight gain
depression
someone to take care of me?

7 days

2009-04-13T11:38:00.002-05:00

t-minus 7 days and counting until baby arrives! i am excited, uncomfortable and mildly terrified. it will be good.

late into the night last night, bunny and i made the decision to put our house on the market in may. it is difficult, but it is the right one. we will have to either move back to the rental house we own or find someplace else to rent, depending on what our tenant does.

i find i am actually ok with this. i am planning the rooms and what will go where and i have a sense of calm. it will be a good base to start over and rebuild what we had started. we have learned a lot with our current house, much of it expensive, but valuable to us nonetheless.

at any rate, in about 7 days, we will have our baby in our arms and life begins anew again for us.

pregnant, unemployed . . . in greenland!

2009-01-11T18:39:00.002-06:00

bunny is sitting across from me filling out employment histories and project lists for head hunters. he lost his job this last tuesday.

i am nearly unemployed . . . and pregnant. with 3 1/2 months to go, it's hard going to find work and still take the few projects i can to keep my business afloat.

things on our horizon -
*selling the house we live in, although the market is so bad, it may be foreclosure
*selling our rental, although the market is so bad, we (hopefully) will be living in it
*unemployment for bunny for several months and no way to pay bills
*a baby with no way to pay bills

i am praying and wishing and hoping. it is all i can do. i really hope we can keep our health insurance, otherwise that's a whole other list.

at least i haven't been "mostly dead all day."

the best christmas EVER

2008-12-19T22:41:00.004-06:00

got the call from the genetic counseling nurse today. we played phone tag for about three hours until she finally caught up with me.

the amnio was negative for down's syndrome and spina bifida! hoo-f'n-ray!

now, to hope the child will sit still monday for another sonogram trying to see his/her parts to make sure they are all a-ok.

hope continues . . .

tuesday

2008-12-16T10:52:00.002-06:00

it is cooold today. it's icy, too. i prefer snow over ice, but now this is turning into a lame weather blog.

i'm feeling more positive about my baby and pregnancy. the baby is growing, my blood sugars are more or less under control now and, soon, we'll know for sure if the li'l bean has down's syndrome or not. i guess i feel like i'm not working with so many unknowns any more. one more sonogram next monday and i hope the baby cooperates.

i am at a loss as to what to do for my husband for the holidays. work is a bit uncertain so we are both hesitant to spend money. i hope i can come up with a nice idea.

buck up, li'l camper

2008-12-11T16:54:00.003-06:00

i need encouragement today.

personality conflict may lose me a client and i need the work.
i am anxious about the results of the amnioscentesis from yesterday.
my belly is still housing an "irritable uterus."

i did get my hair cut today and it looks fabulous.

there's a little encouragement.

birthday bunny!

2008-09-30T17:02:00.001-05:00

happy birthday to my dearest hunny bunny, karl the bunny! i am glad you are my hubby bunny and that today is your day.

*mwah*

if anyone still reads here, go wish him a happy day! his linky-poo is on the side bar.

sweet

2008-06-11T12:07:00.001-05:00

last night my hands smelled of peaches.

i blanched, peeled and cut up 5 1/2 lbs of peaches-freestone county, texas peaches. we stopped on our way back from my aunt's house at a road side stand. they were selling freshly picked peaches, strawberries and other local produce. it was heady to hand over my $20 to buy a peck of peaches fresh from the tree. our car smelled so good on the rest of the trip home. it spoke to me of summer and childhood and peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

i will have peaches for a while, now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

we visited my aunt this past weekend. she lives in houston. it's been 21 years (gak!) since i last visited her. this was the first time for me to visit her alone and as an adult. i told bunny that i was jealous of him since he had no baggage in relation to my family. he got to meet and get to know her without any preconceived ideas or past experience.

i have a difficult relationship with my family on my father's side. it has to do with manipulation by my grandmother, difficulty with my grandfather, criticism by many adult relatives about my weight, living very far away from all of them and many other things too numerous to mention. i am trying to get to know them and, in turn, they get to know me.

it was a good weekend with my aunt. i became less intimidated. i think i became less "weird" to her (nose piercing, tattoos and all) and we found common ground. bunny enjoyed himself, too. the astros lost, but the astro dogs were tasty.

so, my hands smelled of peaches last night. i wish it hadn't faded.

tuesday

2008-05-20T23:26:00.001-05:00

i am in a weird place.

i am feeling weepy and vulnerable and crabby and clingy and i have no idea if it is p.m.s. or not.

i attended the wedding of my 73 year old uncle this weekend. it is his first marriage. my new aunt is brazilian. when he finally decides to get married, he does it up in style! a brazilian hottie, instant kids, grand kids and all. i like my new tia (aunt). i have to concentrate like the dickens to understand her when she speaks, though. she uses an interesting mixture of portuguese, spanish and english. i know a little spanish, no portuguese and she doesn't use a lot of english in the mix. at any rate, i like her and i hope my uncle is very happy.

work is uber busy. nothing new there. i am restless. i am cranky. i am me.

summer is here. it was 95 degrees today.

triste

2008-05-08T11:21:00.000-05:00

i woke up today with a permeating feeling of sadness.

i have been angry the past few days/weeks/months on many levels with a situation regarding my brother-in-law. it will not be resolved this week or next week as we had hoped. it has been dragging on for nearly two years. it involves jails and lawyers and bail bonds and grief and ungratefulness and helplessness and more things i am unable to articulate.

i am tired of it all. i am tired of being mired in something that is not ours. i am tired of using words every day like prisoner number, docket schedule and bond agreement. i am tired of the toll it is taking on my dear, sweet husband. i wish to divorce myself from his brother and the situation, but i'd settle for slapping him upside the head and knocking some sense into him. i'd like to knock the victim mentality out of him and make him see that his actions and his attitudes have contributed immensely to the entire situation regardless if he is innocent of the charges for which he is in jail.

i do not have a good feeling about all of this. i fear he will be in prison for something he didn't do and will use it to fuel his "why me" whining and never see that he can change things no matter the circumstances simply by taking positive action for himself and not demanding it of others to take care of him.

i fear most what it will do to my husband, should the worst happen.

i hate this shit. i am impotent.

hope denied

2008-04-15T13:26:00.000-05:00

we took a really sick stray kitty to the vet saturday. we (and a whole bunch of other people) found him at the town square. he was skin and bones and covered in icky stuff. everyone was standing around looking at him and i couldn't just stand there, so we took him to the vet.

it was really sad because he had FIV and mouth cancer, so he couldn't eat or drink. the whole time he was in such pain, he still wanted love and affection from us. he rose up to meet our stroking fingers as they bumped their way down his bony back. he head butted us to make us his and ask for more scritchings under his chin and rubbings on his ears. we ended up having to put him to sleep.

i cried.

i named him travelin' joe. i like to think he was looking for us when he showed up on the square because he didn't want to be in pain and have to starve any more; that he wanted a last bit of loving to make him feel like someone's baby again.

he was "ours" for about an hour and a half.

why??

2008-03-10T03:14:00.000-05:00

i will never understand, in this day and age, why we are still forced to set our clocks forward and back to appease the bbq grill industry. it makes this girl cranky messing with her clock!

studies have shown it does not, in fact, save money on energy. quite the opposite. *sigh*

so, it is 2:55 a.m. daylight savings time and i can not go to sleep. bunny is snoring away and i am jealous. i'm getting hungry, too. it's been 7 hours since i was last fed.

***********************************************************************************

this weekend turned out all right. no, it wasn't my planned weekend with sorely needed girlfriend time, but bunny made it better. he got me a massage, made me breakfast and coffee, took me to our favorite pizza joint here and did his best to fill in as my bestest girlfriend for a day. (he's not so good at the shoppings.)

i still haven't had any birthday cake, but that is minor

tomorrow is back to work and then traveling for work over the next couple of weeks. i miss my kitties and hubby when i travel and i hate eating out 3 meals a day.

oh well.

i am now 38.

concrete

2008-02-20T12:10:00.000-06:00

cement filled sinus feeling is not pleasant.

other than that, things are going well.

i have nixed taking my licensing exam as i realized i was not taking it for myself, but due to outside pressures. it was giving me a stomach ache and the return on the investment was not positive cash flow. *snort*

i have nixed ever "dieting" again. i have a health, strong body and i am happy about that. when i was visiting my mom, i had this need to look at my relatives, especially my grandmothers and great-grandmothers. i am shaped like them. Them who had babies, worked in the fields picking cotton or doing back-breaking work and they still looked like me. i have a belly. my but has fat on it. i'm learning to be ok with that. i still want to make exercise like brushing my teeth. i want to be healthy and happy with my body.

i got my "rebounder." (that is a mini-trampoline in fitness equipment speak) i love it! it makes me laugh!

things are good. life is good.

first words

2008-02-02T14:21:00.001-06:00

yesterday, for the first time EVER in my ENTIRE life, i said the words, "i have a strong, healthy body," to myself.

i meant them.

new year's resolution or i need me some pals!

2008-01-09T12:41:00.000-06:00

i moved here nearly 3 years ago. in that time i have made one, count her, 1, friend.

that totally sucks!

i left behind all my good friends to move here. my bff lives far away as do the rest of my really, really good friends. my one friend here lives an hour away, so she's not really HERE, here.

i need me a cuppa coffee, hangin' out in the afternoon, lives nearby, dishing on what's new and whirled peas kinda friend . . . or two . . . or five.

*sigh*

it's hard to make friends when you're past grade school.

'tis the season

2007-12-13T11:50:00.001-06:00

i've made a decision. i have decided i do not need to fix myself for i am not broken. i am healing and that is what i need to do.

big difference between being broken and being wounded.

happiness is such a difficult thing for me to attain regarding my body. since i was 9 years old, i have not lived in my body. i have lived in my head. i am detached from my body and its reality. i was hurt, so i left my body behind and sought comfort through my brain, which is not nearly as comforting as the feel of a hug from my mother or being held in my husband's arms. cheetos and doritos don't rub my shoulders or stroke my hair nor do they have the same satisfaction as holding one of my cats in my arms and burying my face in their fur, much to their annoyance. they remind me of children who don't want to be loved upon and squirm away.

it sucks that i can trace this frame of mind and the voice in my head to approximately 15 minutes of my childhood. i am feeling my anger right now and i need to respect it and allow myself to feel it. i don't work well with my anger. i play well with others, but i fear my anger. i have visited the fringes of my rage before and it frightened me. hence not playing well with my anger - it can burn so.

happiness is still a warm cat in my lap and a coffee subscription for dunkin' donuts original blend.

i am angry. i am healing. i want to feel something other than contempt for my body.

purge

2007-11-26T10:26:00.001-06:00

i wonder if i can ever fix myself.

thoughts still tramp through my head telling me i am worthless and shameful and it must have been my fault since he picked me and there was something wrong with me since they ridiculed me and i would come home crying and my mom couldn't fix it. 28 years later and it all still goes through my head after therapy and therapy and therapy and meds and therapy and therapy. i didn't talk about the swimming pool until i was 35. i know it wasn't my fault in my head, but ask my heart and it's still another story.

i'm fat. i know this. i've known it for years. i'm hiding under these layers trying to find some comfort and i haven't and i won't and i don't change. i yo and i yo and nothing changes and it all goes back to the way it was before. i will never be a super model, but being not fat would be a start. being happy with my body would be a big step.

how do i fix this? how do i soothe my self and make it all ok? i have thoughts sometimes and they are not pretty. i try to tell my hubby and he doesn't understand since he has never experienced anything like this. i wonder how he feels that he got more than he bargained for with the vows. i wonder if he is sorry. and there i go again with the low self-esteem and beatings of who i am.

how do i fix me?

sunday

2007-11-11T20:17:00.000-06:00

sundays make me sad.

i get into the groove of the weekend with bunny (particularly since we are no longer consumed with rental house renovations) and then it's monday again and i have to be a grown up.

sometimes i want to run away.

i miss parts of myself that are no longer me. i used to drive. i would go out at night with a cd in the stereo, a pack of cloves and a soda and drive for hours singing at the top of my lungs on back country roads. my favorite time of year was fall. i'd roll down the windows, turn up the heat, crank the stereo and light up. the scented smoke would curl around my head as my hair blew in the wind and for just a moment, one single moment, i'd feel lighter than air.

those were painful times. i felt freedom in driving. i couldn't afford much back then and gas was cheap.

i miss those parts. it's kind of like becoming so accustomed to pain, you never realized how bad it was until it was gone. that pain was a comfort in a twisted way. i can still feel the hard knots of scar tissue on my heart now and then when i lay on it just right, late at night.

can i ever run truly away from it and towards what i have now? i wonder sometimes if the sadness then overwhelms the happiness now? then i think that that is just a pathetic thing. but still, the past colors the future no matter how much you want to bleach it bright white.

then was good in a weird way. now is better in a weird way.

a shrew in my buddha

2007-11-04T22:03:00.000-06:00

this afternoon, bunny and i engaged in some home beautification. we planted three new salvia plants in the front along with three new trailing lantanas. i also relocated the sad liriope left from the home builder's less than stellar choice of plants. once we accomplished this hard work, i moved to the back yard and bunny went in for a sit down on the couch.

my back yard planting included potting six lovely little pansy plants (i love pansies!!) into several pots, re-potting a ficus, an asparagus fern and my basil plant. i then decided to sweep the patio and re-arrange all the potted plants and move our rose bushes up towards the house where it is a bit shadier.

bunny joined me for the rose relocation and after we had moved the cary grant rose, we decided to move our statue of buddha. much to our surprise, we discovered our buddha to be harboring a nest of southern short-tailed shrews! i will admit it startled me a bit. we replaced buddha where he was as the shrew nest was complexly wound into and under buddha's butt. it was quite the little surprise from mother nature.

i'm sure we'll have baby shrews, too.

culinary therapy vs. pheromone therapy

2007-10-31T10:04:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a frustrating day for various reasons. i didn't feel well, i was tired, same old same old in whoring for the furniture man. about noon, i gave up, went downstairs and started cooking. it calmed me down. the chopping is so therapeutic in more ways than one and the smells of a wonderful dish coming together is a balm for my beaten brow.

if only it worked on cats.

no, i'm not giving the cats knives with which to chop each other to pieces. (yeah, that would be some therapy!) bunny and i are searching for a solution to increase detant and decrease squawling, blood drawing cat fights between mr. milo and princess isaboo. the frequency and severity of their squabbles have increased as have both bunny and my blood pressure when these incidences occur. we've talked to the vet and about the only recommendation is to try some feline pheromones. i hope it works. neither of us wants to have to declaw either of the parties involved, but with the amount of damage being done escalating, it is becoming a possibility.

so, this weekend, i plan to visit the pet store and pick up some pheromone diffusers. i'll plug them in and keep my fingers crossed. i'll probably cook some more, too.

definitely the wee hours

2007-10-22T01:20:00.000-05:00

bunny is sleeping.

last week was so very frustrating.

mercury was retrograde and it did me a double whammy. first, my back-up storage drive died. luckily, my i.t. guru was able to retrieve all my info for projects and clients. then, i was a doofus and spilled coffee on my laptop keyboard. coffee and laptop keyboards do not mix. luckily, again, it was fixable and did not set me back too much. today though, i realized i missed a software payment so i owe a double payment this month. gak!

at any rate, we are finally finished with traveling and remodeling and now it is time to whip the new house into shape. bunny put the first nail in the wall to hang the first objet d'art today. yay! we also have a kitchen table, now, although we haven't actually eaten at it. the refrigerator and cupboards are currently bare. i have to remedy that tomorrow.

i have a busy week ahead of me work-wise. that is a good thing, since i have to make a double payment on my software. i will not be participating in the breast cancer 3-day walk to benefit susan g. komen foundation as i had anticipated. i was not able to raise enough money and bunny and i can't afford to make up the difference. i did raise some money and it will not go to waste.

better luck next time.

call me martha

2007-09-21T08:48:00.001-05:00

all i want to do right now is bake chocolate chip cookies with my husband.

life has been too busy. work has been too busy (my own fault, thank you very much. i billed 39 hours this week. BILLED 39 hours.) we have not had enough fun.

i'm not sure it will happen. there is a lot going on this weekend. a batch of cookies, homemade from scratch with the help of bunny would be ab. so.lute. ly. divine!

not quite the wee hours

2007-09-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

bunny is sleeping.

i'm still up working.

sometimes, it sucks to be the boss. i've bitten off a lot and now i'm having to chew it. we need the extra money and i have to buy new software in two months.

i have frenzy on in the background. it is the only alfred hitchcock movie that disturbs me. all of his other movies i can suspend my disbelief and set myself apart from the stories. this one i cannot. i am sure it is because the villain is a rapist-murderer that no one seems to be able to find, but is under every one's nose. "women. you're all the same...bitches!"

bleh.

milo has been tearing up and down the stairs with snoopy in pursuit. they have quieted some, so it must be bedtime. i have so much to do this week including making magda's wedding jewelry.

i. must. stop.

stop

2007-09-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

i asked bunny last night why it is so difficult for me to stop working and relax. he told me the word relax is not in my vocabulary.

*sigh*

i had hoped better for myself.

we have a tenant for the rent house! woo-hoo! we pulled an all-nighter last friday as he needed to move in quickly and our momentum had slowed considerably after 4 weeks of no-show lookey-loos. our tenant is a man with a broken heart and a wounded family. it is no accident he found us and our house. i think all of the cleaning and painting and perspective changing has provided a place for he and his family (as well as me and bunny) to heal.

thank you , universe.

now, i am trying to play catch-up. i have miles to go before i sleep and i must put my waders on and wade through the piles...

why?

2007-09-08T12:26:00.000-05:00

i wonder why bananas make me burp. it's not an unpleasant thing. banana burps taste of, well, bananas. i had them on my cereal this morning.

another day to spend at the rent house. i REALLY hope we get it all finished. we have showings this evening and tomorrow. i won't be at the one tomorrow as my business has added a new client and i will be traveling to one of their locations. kind of weird and out of the blue. that's ok. i need to diversify a bit and i think it will be a lucrative arrangement.

i went shopping for clothes for the first time since my boob job (less instead of more). it was odd. i am a completely different shape now and things i used to wear and fill out are quite unflattering now. i found 4 cute, new outfits and i am excited to wear them on my business trip. i want to project a confident, intelligent, pulled together package.

time to go put on my work clothes and corral my husband in to the car...

rehab

2007-08-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

oy vey.

i THINK the rent house is almost finished. of course, i say or think that and it drags on and on. i'm not sure i can paint too much more. my arm, shoulder, wrist and hand are aching and sore. bleh. i've taken the last couple of nights off. today the carpet goes in and i hope it will be a big boost for bunny and me to kick butt on the rest of remaining details. i don't want to work on the house past saturday. i want a real weekend.

oh, my aching...

2007-08-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

i am so sore today.

i helped bunny and bunny nephew at the rent house yesterday. i cleaned for 5 1/2 hours. boys are messy folk. that's my opinion. i cleaned up drywall dust and bits, old wallpaper, screws, old outlet plates, scraped paint off windows and...dum, dum, dum...the refrigerator.

oh, my aching body.

i figure my 5 1/2 hours of cleaning yesterday replaced the 8 miles i was supposed to walk for training for the breast cancer 3-day walk. since the walk is an endurance thing, i endured yesterday.

oh, yeah...if you want to support me while i walk 60 miles to raise money for breast cancer research, here is a link to my donation page. please donate. please? i have to raise $2200 by october.

today is my day of rest on the training schedule. tomorrow it is 4 miles of walking. wednesday is 30 minutes of cardio. thursday is 5 miles of walking. friday is 45 minutes of cardio. saturday is 13 miles!! sunday is 9 miles!

i think i'll go moan and groan with my bottle of bio-freeze, now...

snort

2007-08-07T16:37:00.000-05:00

ache

2007-08-01T15:50:00.000-05:00

the tears started rolling down my face as i watched her engagement proofs slide by on the screen. such was my longing for my friend that my heart aches with memory and the desire to sit over coffee and just be.

classified

2007-07-26T17:48:00.000-05:00

wanted: friends for lonely transplant to big d area. must like art, wallace and grommet, all things off-kilter and coffee. must provide own transportation and points-of-view. must be reliable, supportive, mostly punctual and adept at telephone use.

only those serious about friendshipt need apply. no stalkers or bad-type weirdos, please.

do you validate?

2007-07-19T14:19:00.000-05:00

i've been feeling a bit weird lately.

i've been feeling the need for support and attention and to know that someone is proud of me and the things i do.

i guess that would mean i am suffering from a lack of confidence.

blech. how boring is that?

still, that is how i feel. low confidence and lonely. i need to figure out how to make friends in this place. this is such a weird place. it is so not me, but i live here and i like my house and i love my husband. still...

*sigh*

i need a vacation.

a day without rain

2007-07-08T20:07:00.001-05:00

we've had two of them, so far. who'd have thought texas would become a tropical rainforest?

yes, i know it has been a while. here is what has been happening...

we moved
we hired nephew bunny to do work on the old house
i had surgery
i took a week off work for recovery
i got flowers from four different peoples to "get well, soon"
i exclaimed, "they're so small!"
my little brother got married
we ran out of money for the old house
work was slow with the holiday so billings were down
found out isabel kitty has a tumor that must be removed
bunny updated all of our financial information
we ran out of money some more
we argued and discussed what to do with the old house
we have not decided (well, bunny hasn't) what to do with the old house
milo kitty went for his annual check up and weighs 12 lbs
work picked up and i will now be very busy
my new, smaller, perky breasts are healing
my clothes don't fit right any more
i haven't had to wear dressings on my incisions for several days
i had to take pain meds last week because i overdid at li'l bro's wedding
bunny took me to dinner and to see spamalot with his designer friend

hmm. that's quite a lot. in 8 days, bunny and i will have been married for two years!

i want to go shopping
i need to get back into training for the 3 day walk
i am pining for my friends
i love my bunny husband

i heart max and ruby

2007-06-06T12:32:00.000-05:00

one of the many pluses of working from home...
www.rosemarywells.com/

hmph

2007-06-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

i am pms-ing.

i usually don't want to admit it, but i have been whiny, grumpy and crampy (three of the seven dwarves) since saturday. every little thing my hubby does is driving me crazy. i don't like when i am this way because i nit-pick and just can't seem to keep my mouth shut. i had to buy chocolate the other day as an emergency provision.

it is t-minus 10 days until surgery. it is on my mind every day. i have no idea what to expect and no idea what my body will be like afterwards. i went to a client to field measure today and while in the mirror-lined elevator, i caught myself assessing how my body might appear with smaller boobs. no matter how much i squinched up my eyes, i still couldn't imagine it. what i can imagine is my shirts not tenting and rising up at the front hem. that will be nice in a fashion-speaking way.

yeah, i gotta get back to work. i really need a nap, instead. hmmm...nap or work...nap or work...nap or...

the vegetable oil and paint incident

2007-06-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

hello friends,

picture this - a proud new homeowner has warranty work being performed on her new house. on this particular day, the painter is visiting to touch up trim and paint a newly installed door. a very diligent man, the painter explains to the homeowner that the cats shouldn't get on the freshly painted window seat in her kitchen as the paint is very wet. no sooner have the words "very wet" emerged from his lips, than the youngest of the feline children has leapt up to check out her favorite perch. sensing something amiss, she attempts to escape from the clutches of the wet paint and runs around the kitchen, the homeowner and painter chasing her, leaving white paw prints in her wake.

realizing the paint on the youngest's paws is oil based and probably toxic, the homeowner frantically dials the verterinarian in hopes of some help and reassurance. much to her dismay, there is nothing that will get the paint off the kitty's paws and the verterinary poision control hotline is next on the list to call. the helpful vet at poison control reassures the homeowner that the paint is not deadly, just slightly toxic. this translates to no emergency, $500 trip to the vet, however the kitty will probably throw up and have diarrhea. (oh, joy!) the poison control vet then tells the homeowner the best thing to try and get paint off of paws is vegetable oil. relieved that her beloved youngest will live, the homeowner hangs up with the poison control vet and gets out the vegetable oil. no sooner is the vegetable oil on the counter and the youngest struggling to break free of the homeowner's grasp, the two middle cats decide to try out the wet paint, much to the homeowner's chagrin. covered in cat hair, white paint paw prints, vegetable oil and sweating like crazy as the paint fumes have forced her to open the windows on an 85 degree day in Texas, the homeowner breaks down and calls her husband to plead for him to come home from the office and help her.

while becoming impatient for hubby to arrive (imagine that), the homeowner decides to attempt the vegetable oiling of kitty paws herself. by the time hubby arrives, the homeowner has so much cat hair and vegetable oil on her she looks like a bad movie version of big foot. with hubby to help, the vegetable oiling of the cats is quickly accomplished. cat treats are distributed in the hopes of easing kitty tempers and egos. the homeowner showers off the accumulated paint paw prints, cat hair and vegetable oil and praises the only cat that did not test the paint. the only reason the eldest did not is because she has only three legs and can not jump to the window seat. the homeowner counts her blessings as the eldest would have been more difficult to vegetable oil than the other three combined.

here's hoping the paint dries quickly and no one gets sick! if this ever happens to you, save your money and get out the vegetable oil. have a great weekend!

today

2007-05-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

today is tuesday.

we have been living in the new house two weeks.
we have been ignoring the old house for two weeks.

i wish it was done. there is much to do.

today i am trying to get back into the swing of work. life has been so disrupted for the past couple of months and i would like a bit of a routine before surgery in two and a half weeks which will disrupt it all again.

i'm nervous about the surgery.

life is good. the house is fabulous. the kittens are well as is bunny. glitches are getting worked out and we took yesterday off and were as lazy as cats all day.

chaos reigns

2007-05-10T08:46:00.000-05:00

well, chaos has always reigned in our current house, but it seems he has gone absolutely nuts this week. it's t minus 2 days to moving and we have about 10 boxes packed.

yeah, so, wish us luck...

the perils of working at home...

2007-05-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

stay/go...now choose!

2007-04-20T18:09:00.000-05:00

at what point do you say 'enough!'

when do you quit trying and searching and applying and analyzing and questioning and just...

walk

away.

i am exhausted -bone tired - mentally bankrupt and trying so hard not to be monetarily bankrupt, as well.

i've had enough of up in the air and getting my chain jerked and being told lies. i need a day off with no going anywhere, no discussion of "the house" new or old, no last minute-rock-and-a-hard-place decisions. i need to just be and do the things i want/need to do for my soul.

i'm asking nicely...

up in the air

2007-04-18T09:31:00.000-05:00

i have juggled before.

i have juggled a full time job, full time college and maintained friendships and family obligations.
i have juggled events as i planned them and multiple projects at work.
i have been and always will be a juggler.

this point in my life is the biggest juggling act, thus far.

i am juggling my own business, paying my accountant, finding money to purchase software, closing on a new home, renovating the old one, packing to move (that hasn't EVEN started) and trying to at least keep the kitchen clean and laundry done.

i'm tired. my arms are tired from the juggling. i am hoping i can keep this up until the big stuff is completed in about a month.

i CAN'T WAIT to move to our new house! my 'honey do' list keeps growing. i'm hoping it will all settle out by july?

sheesh.

damn!

2007-03-30T16:30:00.000-05:00

life is good.

closing date on new house is set. repairs and renovations on the old house are in motion. (i so rock in the whip-cracking department.) bunny passed his final exam for his architect's license. he passed all nine exams the first time! i am married to such a smarty pants.

i'm feeling good and life is good even if my niece the dog died on monday and a client's project had me stressed more than i have been a long time and even though all the communication related areas of life seem to be off-kilter at the moment.

billings are up. life is up. rain is up. it's all up!

yay!

is it sacrilegious to use a joan jett cd as a coaster? i hope not. she could kick my ass with her eyes closed.

rest in peace, little galveston

2007-03-27T09:20:00.000-05:00

my niece, the dog, died yesterday. she was somewhere around 15 years old. my brother is very sad and there is nothing i can do to make it better as a big sister should.

galveston, or gal as she was known, was the first and only dog i have ever loved. my mom and i always talked about the way she would tilt her head to one side and look out of her bright eyes and you knew she was listening to you. while she did have really bad doggy breath, she was loving and protective of my brother and he of her. he adopted her from a shelter in san marcos, tx when he lived there on his own for the first time. gal had been an abused puppy and bore the effects of it until her last days. my brother loved her and she was his boon companion. she loved him and worshipped the ground he walked on. they got each other through many difficult times.

we will miss you gally-gal. may you rest in peace and chase all the squirrels you wish in doggie heaven.

rain

2007-03-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

it's raining.

thank heavens.

it's been raining a good, steady, soaking rain since about 4:30 this afternoon. no high winds, very little thunder and no hail or tornadoes. it is refreshing and cool and the air smells so green.

*sigh*

*********************

i have committed to participating in the 3 day walk to benefit susan g. komen for the cure in october. 60 miles in three days after meeting my fundraising goal of $3700 dollars. so far, i have walked 4 out of 7 days for the last three weeks and have averaged 12 miles per week. my sore achilles tendon has sidelined me for a couple of days, but i should be back on track tomorrow. my "real" training schedule begins in may. by the end of the 24 weeks training period, i will have walked 63 miles. wow.

********************

next tuesday, bunny is going with me to the boob re-arranging doctor. i have finally made an appointment to discuss reducing the size of "the girls." they are a pain in the neck and i mean that literally. big decision. i hope the insurance company will cover it.

********************

time to go to bed. bunny is sending out his "husband is going to bed" warning. i've had a good day and i am ready to snuggle in and read a little before sleep.

ciao.

happy birthday to me...

2007-03-08T21:57:00.000-06:00

today was my birthday.

37 years and i am still here.

thank you, april for my birthday call.

thank you marie for celebrating 25 of my 37 birthdays with me even if it is long distance.

thank you mom, for having me.

most of all, thank you bunny for a the beautiful roses, the fancy-schmancy serrated knife for cutting home made bread and the wonderful day made so much more by having you in my life.

*mwah!*

wavering

2007-03-06T11:08:00.001-06:00

yesterday, i felt so strong and powerful and good. i was rested and focused and felt i could handle anything thrown my way.

today...not so much. i am tired and distracted. i don't want to do what i need to do in order to pay the bills. i have one client that is constantly arguing with me about my billed hours and i want to shake her and make her stop. it takes the time it takes and it's your problem figuring out how to bill your client, not mine!

*sigh*

i need to get outside and walk. i need the birds to chatter at me and the sun to warm my skin. there's plenty of time to work to pay the bills when life isn't visible through my window and everyone has gone to bed.

two days until my birthday...37 WILL be a very good year!

[no subject]

2007-02-15T21:43:00.000-06:00

i have a headache and my desk is covered in the detritus of whoring for the furniture man.

drama continues as drama does. brother-in-law is supposed to get out of jail tonight, but not for free, thanks to bunny his boss and me. but he's still making collect calls from jail and making my headache worse.

i want to run away and be a gypsy and carefree like i thought i used to be which was never really true. i want to escape to coffee and music and cigarettes and good music where i can believe i am a heart-wrenching torch singer on someone's piano somewhere.

i need the warmth and comfort of friendship right now. great and wise universe, mother of all i can survey in my small mortal's view, please send me friendship.

i have a headache and my desk is covered in the detritus of whoring for the furniture man. i want to run away from the drama that continues to rise up in my way.

finding bliss

2007-02-08T16:08:00.000-06:00

bunny saw oprah the other day (yes, my hubby bunny is an oprah fan) that was about women who looked MUCH younger than their chronological age. he informed me that one thing all these women have in common is they have found their bliss.

well, i've heard all about this finding one's bliss and bloom where you're planted and do what you love. my friends and i have from time-to-time discussed the marriage-career-family triad of having it all and whether this is true or not and how it might fit into the bliss equation.

i have come to the conclusion that my bliss is having a family (furry or otherwise), taking care of them and being creative with sewing or crocheting or jewelry-ing or art-ing. that career thing? not so much my bliss. do those things pay well? not so much.

now, i realize that bunny does not make enough (yet) for zelda to not work. so, i will whore for the furniture man and try hard not to make it a career any more. i am focusing my energies more to my creativity. THAT is my bliss. my kittens are my bliss. my bunny is my bliss. my friends are my bliss. my all-clad cookware and what i can do with it is my bliss. making pie is my bliss.

does this mean i really AM turning into donna reed? it might, but i am planning on buying stitch 'n bitch, the happy hooker to re-learn crocheting. is that something donna reed would do?

wwdrd?

no applause, just genuflection, please.

2007-02-02T16:29:00.000-06:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Most Serene Highness Lady Zelda the Undulant of Longer Interval
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

donna reed

2007-01-30T11:09:00.000-06:00

i was such a good, 1950's style wife this morning.

i got up, fixed my husband two eggs over easy, two strips of bacon, a slice of toast with butter and a nice, glass of orange juice.

then i sent him on his merry way (more like anxious and stressed way) to take architectual license exam number 8 of 9.

he is in the test right now and i so hope he is calm and collected and able to get through all the questions.

whether he passes or fails, i know he will attain his goal. i just wish he hadn't been so anxious when he left this morning.

i guess even a 1950's style wife can't solve the world's problems.

betwixt and between...

2007-01-24T18:36:00.000-06:00

...i am very lonely.

i got yer pipe cleaner right here

2007-01-10T14:55:00.000-06:00

plumber came again today. we have a regular plumber now. his name is david. he's been to our house 3 times in the last month. he knows our pipes inside and out. if this keeps up, he'll have a christmas stocking hanging on our mantel next year.

but wait! we'll have a mantel next year!

projected closing date on new house is beginning of april. our house will be an aries if all goes as planned.

still having sewer issues, but some are fixed. waiting on a meeting with the city about the remaining problem.

i hope i'm still not waiting this time next year.

merry

2006-12-25T22:34:00.000-06:00

it's the evening of christmas day.

the tree was finally decorated yesterday as were the sugar cookies.
all the gifts were wrapped by saturday and the last were unwrapped today.

i have received many gifts this year and the greatest were not wrapped in pretty paper nor tied with sparkling bows. none of them cost a dime.

i am grateful and blessed.

i am thankful.

enough

2006-12-21T13:43:00.000-06:00

i am so done with all of this today. no more, please. i'm trying to quit.

the downhill side of the roller coaster

2006-12-20T08:58:00.000-06:00

not such an easy thing is life. it should be. at least i think it should be.

i'm feeling things i don't want to feel and can't easily explain right now. i want to be happy, but i'm edging on the blues.

the plumber couldn't come today. it's raining and plumbers don't like to plumb in the rain.

tomorrow, i hope.

it will be christmas at my house...

2006-12-16T15:51:00.000-06:00

...come hell or sewer water!

yeah, so i spent my afternoon at target replacing bath mats, towels and pajamas that got in the way of the great sewer disaster. i really like my new bathroom rug and i hope bunny will like his, too! i'm not sure i'm sold on the towels i got. i think they're too pinky-brown for the bathroom.

at any rate, the house is sanitized and the bathrooms have been cleaned within an inch of their lives. the cleaning company that came out yesterday was awesome! two hours and my house was lemony fresh and sewer water remnants free! woo-hoo!

since the sewer line problem is not fixed, yet, bunny and i are being very careful not to involove the drains in a lot of work. let's just say that if it's yellow, we let it mellow and no paper products of any kind will go near any of the toilets. perhaps renting a port-a-potty would be easier, but i'm not to that point, yet.

wednesday is the soonest we can get anyone to try to fix the problem. hopefully, it will be fixed on wednesday and not drag out longer. we have tree roots obstructing our sewer line and the city guys called the mass of roots a "gator." i call it a pain in my pocket book. still no idea if insurance will cover any of our expenses. i'm not holding my breath.

********************

to lift my spirits and remind myself that it is indeed the holidays, i bought a pretty wreath and i hung it above our garage door. i didn't fall off the ladder or anything. yay! i also replaced our tree skirt since the old one got sludged. i'm hoping the cats won't chew the tassles off the new one immediately.

christmas shopping is almost finished. spending some family time with sister bunny and family tomorrow. next weekend we'll see mom and dad pinwheel, as well as brother pinwheel and his fiance.

**********************

i'm exhausted, but we're going to be ok. i am grateful for friends who are lawyers and holiday inn's that allow cats at no extra charge and for my tempurpedic bed and chiro-flow pillow.

when the universe wants you to clean house...

2006-12-12T12:50:00.000-06:00

...sometimes it backs up the sewer.

so, yeah, every drain in our house yesterday backed up with sewer water. it overflowed in the bathrooms into the studio and hallway and master bedroom and from the garage where the washing machine is into the kitchen and dining area.

yay and merry freakin' christmas.

so, we are camping at the holiday inn next to i-35 with the cats. the mattress is lumpy and the cats are kind of freaked (as am i) but the room service breakfast was pretty damn good. right now, our house is full of blowers and de-humidifiers and the smell of sporicide which makes me cough. it sounds like a wind tunnel and will dry out your skin in seconds flat.

we are dealing with the insurance company, plumbers, cleaning services, a roll-off dumpster and the city. the blockage that caused all this is 75 feet from our house at the main. i never thought i'd get to see the inner workings of our sewer line on video. it is true that the camera adds 10 pounds.

we are moving back in tomorrow, come hell or (pardon the pun) high water. hopefully, all the equipment will be gone, soon and we can get to repairing the sheet rock and tile.

in the mean time, i am trying to deal with this AND still get in billable hours. while i am usually level-headed in a crisis, i lost it and freaked out yesterday when i discovered the water. i freaked out all over bunny's shirt.

well, i'm off to answer the door and get an estimate on sanitizing our house.

ttfn

perfectionists anonymous

2006-12-07T09:21:00.000-06:00

there needs to be a recovery support group for perfectionists like me. of course, it would never really work...it wouldn't live up to the participants' expectations.

*snort*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yeah, so i'm giving up perfectionism for lent. what's that you say? it's not lent and you know i'm not a christian? hmmm...makes one wonder on how successful i'll be at renouncing perfectionism. still...one day at a time...

bunny wisdom

2006-11-22T22:47:00.000-06:00

last night, bunny and i discussed the situation with my former boss. he made me realize it is not about what i said nor is it about my karma. it is more about her karma and how she reacted to the situation.

it really helps to have the bunny perspective.

i feel better about it. i'm still me and i'm not gonna change that.

**************

i'm nursing a cold right now. i'm not down for the count, but i feel like i'm at round 12. i took today off and napped quite a bit. i've kept the anxiety at bay since my billable hours aren't fulfilled this week. no worries, i'll get them in later. my goals for this four day weekend are to make jewelry, make jewelry, make jewelry, finish a few things for da furniture man, spend time with my family and have date night with bunny.

my plan for date night is to bake holiday cookies with bunny (decorated, of course) and watch ice age-the meltdown. bunny says his plans for our next date night involve getting dressed up and going out.

i smell a shopping trip...

bunny is sleeping right now. i've made the "heavenly potatoes" for tomorrow's feast and will make the apple pie a la zelda tomorrow morning. the kittens are all snoozing and it is time for me to wash my face, say my prayers and go to bed.

g'night.

bridges unintentionally burned and karma

2006-11-21T19:31:00.000-06:00

karma, what an interesting concept.

i've gotten through many things in my life relying on my belief in karma. you know..."what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow" or "live by the sword, die by the sword."

ok, that last one was a bit violent.

at any rate, i lost business this week because of what i said in an exit interview nearly 2 years ago. what i said in that interview was not a personal attack, merely my perspective about what had happened while i was at the company and the state my former department was in at the time. my former boss took it personally. i lost a project because of it.

*sigh*

still, i stick to what i said and my reasons for saying it. i guess honesty of perspective can sometimes lead to karma biting one in the ass...er...pocketbook. i hold no grudge against said person, but said person obviously holds one against me.

i can't stop being who i am or thinking as i do so i'll just have to deal and move on.

chapters closing

2006-11-13T20:02:00.000-06:00

ah, another chapter in my life today closed...well, it slammed shut.

some people in this world will always be in high school; will always think they are in high school; will always act like they are in high school.

tell me, why after 2+ years would someone bother to care if someone they used to know read their blog and why would someone bother to pick a fight via their blog with the aforementioned person?

the blame game and immaturity, methinks...the same reasons the aforementioned person stopped seeing the other.

confessions of an entrepreneur

2006-11-09T09:22:00.000-06:00

well, i have definitely learned how to spell 'entrepreneur.' darn those french with their tricky use of e's and u's!

i'm supposed to be working right now. shhhhh! don't tell my boss. oh, wait! that's me!

*snort*

i have to confess, this whole working for myself thing isn't all bon bons and cappuccinos. in fact, i have neither bon bons nor cappuccinos in my house. -note to self: stock up on bon-bons and cappuccino. i wonder if costco has those?- at any rate, i found myself worrying last night as i was trying to fall asleep. i was worrying about money and having enough. of course, i'd have to be able to define 'enough' in order to quit worrying about it. therein lies the rub. i checked the pinwheel-bunny bank account and the pinwheel business account this morning and my worries were assuaged. *whew*

i also worry that i will get my website up and running and the jewelry biz started in time for the holiday buying season. i need to set aside time for this and fast! i am getting caught up in whoring for the furniture man and i have to remember i'm supposed to get to say who, how much and when. it's the when part that i'm a little fuzzy about.

at any rate (an expression i picked up from my mother many years ago), yesterday was a nice day. bunny took the day off as did i to spend it with mama pinwheel at the dallas museum of art and the nasher sculpture center. the day was gorgeously beautiful and the temperature was just right. we saw the van gogh exhibition and lunched at the nasher cafe. the $10 sandwiches were actually worth that much! how refreshing. today, my knees and feet are feeling the effects of standing/walking on concrete for about 6 hours.

in other unrelated news, miss boo is now able to get up to our bed with the assistance of a step. she is happy as a clam (although i wonder if clams can be unhappy) and has slept with us the last two nights. she is also up and about much more. i caught her bickering with sir snoopy this morning as he was reminding her to be careful while climbing over boxes. (at least, that's what i like to think he was doing.)

i gotta get back to work...billable hours, ya' know.

because it's election day...

2006-11-07T12:19:00.000-06:00

i voted!

you should, too!

because i can...

2006-11-06T14:05:00.000-06:00

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

chronicles of an entrepreneur

2006-11-06T09:22:00.000-06:00

so it is week two of being the boss. so far, my employees are less than attentive to my requests and more inclined to taking naps or stalking birds from the window sill.

so far today, i have issued my first invoice for 20.5 hours of billable time last week. i am looking forward to receiving my first payment next week and, if i didn't need to bring home the bacon, i'd probably frame that sucker and stick it on my desk next to my first wedding anniversary card that came with flowers from my husband. i have my priorities straight. *snort*

this business thing, while not tricky, can be quite complicated. all those hours of paper work and administrative tasks i used to perform and get paid for, are now freebies to the client since they are not billable time. *sigh* that's ok. that's why i figured out my hourly rate. :0) i have to get all the payroll taxes figured out, but i am adopting a scarlett o'hara attitude with it for a while. besides, "tomorrow is another day."

***groove is in the heart. what an awesome song.***

on today's agenda are double checking a huge inventory of furniture from the airport, working on reconfiguring work stations for the city, a trip to the post office and receiving my order for jewelry supplies. yay! the website is coming along and i also have to come up with witty things to say to draw customers in and make them want to buy my fabulous art and jewelry! yeah, maybe not today.

"she works hard for the money..."

a weighty issue

2006-11-03T19:06:00.000-06:00

i've talked about this before. of course, that would have been on my now vaporized diary-x blog. at any rate, my weight has been the subject of my blogging many times over and here it is again.

about two years ago, i lost 40 pounds. since moving, changing jobs and marrying ktb, i've gained half that back. i haven't gained any weight in about 6 months. the re-gain occurred between december of 2005 and april of 2006 in the depths of my depression. there are many reasons why i have gained and lost weight over my lifetime. genetics, depression, stress, emotional/psychological issues, abuse name but a few. i have struggle with it my ENTIRE life and i married a man who has never had to worry about his weight.

talk about confronting an issue.

my husband enjoys watching oprah, especially when dr. mehmet oz appears on the show for more fun and games with biology. i find his information extremely helpful and i appreciate his perspective on the issues of weight and risks for heart disease and cancer. every time bunny watches one of these appearances, the issue of my weight rears its ugly head.

now, before you think ill of bunny, i must inform you that he is not mean or spiteful or hurtful about my weight. he loves me for who i am and it is my own issues that make this difficult to deal with. however, even though he comes from a place of love and concern when he brings up lifestyle changes for better health, it's still hard for me.

i have yo-yo'd many times. yes, i am well above the point at which the government has deemed i would be healthy in proportion to my weight. the stock from which my genes are derived are dense, plump, german folk who never worried a day in their lives whether or not they were over a government limit that might mean higher health insurance rates, much less a higher risk for fatal diseases. they just were who they were. they ate what they ate and lived as they lived.

i have compared myself cruelly to everyone else in the room, to those on the covers of magazines, to everyone in movies and tv shows and to people as i walk the streets in the everyday. i never measure up. well, i measure up which is the issue. i have been the fat girl since i was 10 and hit puberty, or more accurately, puberty hit me. i have not shopped in "regular" stores in my adult life with the exception of two years in my teens when i was borderline anorexic. i have been ridiculed, villified, discriminated against and generally made to feel less than human on more than one occasion. i know it was one reason i did not date for many years.

still, i know that weight is not the whole of my character. i know that my struggles with weight have had a large (no pun intended) part in creating who i am today as are many other things that have left their fingerprints on me. i know that when i look in the mirror, the adjectives i use to describe myself are rarely kind and often perfectionist which only reinforce the things i have been lead to believe by a society that judges based on appearance and my own demons.

so, what is all this potentially nauseating, self-confessional, quasi-therapeutic dribble for?

i'm trying to come to terms with who i am, physically and spiritually and emotionally and psychologically. i am trying to be happy with what the universe has given me in this life INCLUDING my physical shell. i am trying to find a healthy way to live that does not put food at the center of my existence nor as the balm for my emotional wounds. i am trying to be healthy, live healthfully and think healthfully.

*snort*

no small order there. 27 years of unhealthy attitudes is a lot to overcome, but i can not give up hope that i will have some understanding and maybe, just maybe, gain a little wisdom when it comes to my body and how i see it/think it/feel it/LOVE it.

Open for business

2006-10-30T08:47:00.000-06:00

i am officially open for business.

(yay!)

i am currently installing software, printing my software set-up guides, waiting for my first project to be faxed over, drinking coffee, eating an organic apple with organic peanut butter and a cup of blueberry yogurt. i'm also doing laundry and sorting through the various layers if crap-ola we have accumulated in the office. *whew* i'm tired! (just kidding!)

so far, my new co-workers (princess of da howse, sir snoopy and milo the destructor) are fine. milo the destructor does have a penchant for racing across my new desk to get to the window, but i think i can adjust. princess of da howse pretty much hangs out in her basket by the door and acts as look out. sir snoopy is napping. what a slacker. they are a far sight better than the combination of m & m at the last office.

so, it's day one as an entrepreneur and i have plenty to do. unfortunately, it's not all billable. i figure by the end of this week, beginning of next, all will be rolling into a rhythm and the projects will be coming in.

in the meantime, bunny and i are waiting on the final response to the house we want on lot 12. cross your fingers for us.

miss boo, 2

2006-10-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

it has been a week since miss boo had her leg-ectomy. it was supposed to be a toe-ectomy, but the cancer had spread. she is up and about and getting back to her old, winning personality. she resembles a plucked, sutured chicken on one half of her hind region. she is trying to maintain as much dignity as possible, but with a missing leg, half her fur shaved off and an elizabethan collar to prevent the removal of her remaining stitches, it is a daunting task at best.

********

i quit my job monday. my last day at the green-growy design company is a week from this friday. the following monday, my life as an independent business woman begins. i am so ready. what i find rather humorous is that i still have this innate need to be punctual for a job at a company i dislike and from which i am departing. part of me wishes they'd ask me to leave before next week, with full pay of course, so i wouldn't have to deal with the wacko personalities there.

********

bunny and i are house hunting. well, we found the house for which we were hunting. now it's a matter of financing and offers and realtors and what to do about the current house. we've basically moved into the new house in every aspect but the physical. we drive by it nearly every night and it is not on the way home. sunday, our realtor friend is going with us to "check out the development." bunny is crossing his fingers we will walk out with a signed contract. so am i.

********

this change, this transition, i can handle all of this. amazing what therapy, a supportive husband and anti-depressants can do. i am zelda bunny...hear me roar!

miss boo

2006-10-05T21:53:00.000-05:00

princess of da howse is affectionately known as 'boo."

it all started when i began calling her my "sweet baboo" like sally did to linus in the peanuts comic strip. now it is just shortened to 'boo.' ktb likes to embellish it and calls her 'boo-dly-hoo.'

yeah, well, at any rate, the number of toes on her foot is going to be shortened by one next wednesday. we got the biopsy results and her little toe (not so in size right now but as in pinky toe) has a myxosarcoma tumor. it is slow growing, so i am hoping that with the toe-ectomy, they will be able to get all of the cancer. radiation treatment will be recommended if it is discovered it has spread, but i just don't think 'boo' will handle 18 days of radiation treatment, 5 days a week at a time with the specialist's office a good 45 minute drive from home. she is already deathly afraid at the vet and i can not imagine how badly it might traumatize her. i don't want the rest of her life to be spent afraid and mean.

i am struggling with it. she is, after all, my 'boo,' my "sweet baboo."

big, pink bootie

2006-10-02T21:43:00.000-05:00

one veterinary oncology appointment, one biopsy, one chemotherapy shot AND one cortisone shot leaves...

one cranky cat.

no news, yet.

yargh!

2006-09-30T17:56:00.000-05:00

it has been a tough week at the pinwheel-bunny house.

as you may have read at ktb's blog, princess of da howse has cancer. what kind and what to do about it remains to be seen. yes, she is 12-almost-13 years old, yes she has had a good life for a once-foundling-nearly-always-cranky-sometimes-downright-dangerous cat. still, she is my 'boo' and i am not yet ready to part with her.

i am very forthunate that the pinwheel-bunny family finances are such that i am allowed the luxury of taking her to a veterinary oncologist. if it were two years ago, this would be even more difficult than it already is.

on the job front, work at the green, growy company has been...well...less than stellar. it has been great to have the change in pace, pressure and deadlines. i enjoy working with green growy ideas, however lacking in knowledge i am. i do feel a bit odd designing high-end swimming pool and spas to go with the green, growy things. what has been ultimately difficult and disappointing are two of my co-workers, including the owner of the company. since they're not going to change, i'm going to have to in order to make my life better and myself happier.

so...it has come to my decision that i am starting my own company. i am, once again, going to "whore for the furniture man" and use the skills and knowledge i have gained to do contract work. to quote julia roberts in the movie pretty woman (and this hopefully won't happen again) "i say who, i say where, i say how much." i want flexibility, independence and more money for my work.

my plan is to start my little venture with contract work and devote a portion of my time to the jewelry and artwork side of the business in the hopes that eventually the last two will outweigh the first.

we'll see. wish me luck.

in the meantime, it is ktb's birthday (#40!), sir snoopy and milo the destructor are well, my friend magda is getting married, our families are well, nephew carl the pirate's eye is on the mend and he will get a lense implant to have full vision again and i am thankful for all these things.

monday will see what will happen to princess of da howse.

water wings

2006-07-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

i'm still here. i'm just sort of floating along right now. i'm directionless, but not without things to do.

i've weaned myself off the sleeping pills and can actually sleep through the night right now. i'm still on the anti-crazy pills. best friend commented that i've needed them since high school. well, she would know.

life is...in progress. the kitties are good. princess of da howse is in a snit over our latest addition, senor milo and sir snoopy is adjusting to senor milo's style of playing. senor milo prefers to pounce with all four paws and remind everyone he has claws and we don't. he also tends to wake us up at around 4:30 a.m. or so wanting to play and/or be showered with affection. what was i saying about sleeping through the night?

my new job is also...in progress. it's a lot to learn and i am still not completely sure i want to devote myself to it, but the change in pace, location and work has been so extremely beneficial. it is amazing the improvement in my health since i started working there. i am enjoying it.

office politics are...unique. bearable, yet unique, enough said.

bunny and i continue to work on la casa. it, too is in...progress.

what i really want to do is stay home, grow a garden, make things, cook for my family and bake bread. i want to be just like my mom. :0)

life is...in progress. "i'm not dead, just floating." (thank you, p!nk)

now, if only it would cool off and rain. i'm melting and drying up all at the same time.

make plans...

2006-06-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

yeah, so, i was supposed to start my new job monday.

nope.

then, i planned to start today.

nope.

now, i'm hoping to start tomorrow.

see, i had a fabulous saturday with my s.i.l. i came home that afternoon, and by evening, i had a fever. by sunday, my stomach was revolting. today is my first day without a fever and 50 million trips to the "people box" (bathroom). sorry if that was too much information.

my fever has been down today and the pop rock feeling in my stomach is not so prevalent. i have eaten solid food with success and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i will be upright and able to attend my first day at my new job tomorrow.

bunny told me he told one of my new bosses that i really did want to work there. so far, they have been quite patient with the situation.

*sigh*

d is for depression and j-o-b spells relief

2006-06-14T21:17:00.000-05:00

yeah, yeah...i know. i've been lax in my blogging. i'm in recovery, you see. i'm recovering myself.

so i got some crazy pills to fight the blues and some sleepy pills to keep me snoozing all the night through. so far, good results. i remember who i am. i make it through the day without crying or getting angry over the little things that i would normally not even bother with.

bunny says he doesn't want to push me out of the car as often in the morning, either. good news, that.

*********************************

in about a month, bunny and i will celebrate our first anniversary of mawwiage.
oy, vey!

*********************************

so, i got a new job. (YESSSSS! WOO-HOO!) after 12 years, i am leaving the world of contract furniture (cubicle world)! i will soon be part of the landscape design world. i am soooo looking forward to learning about all kinds of growies and what to plant where, etc., etc.

*********************************

yeah, so things are lookin' up. thank heavens.

anybody want to buy some jewelry?

better living through modern chemistry

2006-05-09T19:40:00.000-05:00

well, i don't really know if it will be, but...

yeah...so...feeling as if i have failed to be able to control (*snort*) my own life, i have finally given in after months and months of not sleeping, depression and high anxiety (not the mel brooks kind) and gone to the doctor. i've been trying to fix things on my own and things are getting better, but i'm not who i am supposed to be and it hurts so much, anymore. after long contemplation and the added knowledge that this is round 4 of depression and round 3 of therapy AND my grandmother was clinically (although undiagnosed) depressed her entire life, i am now taking a pill for it all...and still having my wednesday evening rendezvous with judy the therapist.

well, actually it's 2 pills, right now.

one pill makes you smaller...ok not really. one pill to help me sleep as a temporary measure, the other to correct the imbalance of chemicals in my brain that causes me to look at the glass as not only half-empty, but as dirty, chipped, filled with crap-ass, cheap wine and completely undrinkable and unworthy of even tasting and completely petrified it will tip over, fall off the table and shatter into a million tiny pieces before i can catch it.

yeah, well...

the doctor said bunny will most likely notice differences in me before i will, if this pill is the right one for me. the sleeping one last night didn't help much. the doc gave me 3 different samples to try of that...but not all at once. *snort* on to sample #2 tonight and, hopefully, some decent, uninterrupted, deep sleep.

now, if only my eye would stop twitching and my nose would get better...

astrobarry does it again...

2006-05-04T14:22:00.000-05:00

PISCES (February 19-March 20): I simply cannot let you off the hook from last week's encouragement to leap. This week, we've tossed Mars in the mix, with trines to both Jupiter and Uranus, adding the physical verve necessary to get off your buttocks and take the damn chance. Those of you who are hesitating to rile up your whole life enough to radically refreshen things, you're probably rightfully concerned with those annoying practicalities like money and job and the other chores you're charged with. Well, you're in luck because Venus and Saturn have each other's backs in houses of material security, and they will not let you go hungry—if, that is, you make some sort of massive decision or pledge this week, to go for what feels right over what you think you 'should' do. Even if you take another several months to brainstorm ways to rearrange responsibilities to make room for a completely different lifestyle (and to save up a safety cushion), as long as you do something this week, you'll get the planets' blessings. Otherwise, the trines will merely intensify whatever unattended-to yearnings for liberation linger languidly in your consciousness.

05.01.06

2006-05-01T21:56:00.000-05:00

Pisces Daily extended (by Astrology.com)

There's a crazy blob of emotions churning around deep inside your heart, but it's getting easier and easier to get a handle on them. Finally, you're able to get a clear idea of how you feel and where you want to go from here. Make a date with the object of your affection and share your feelings -- find something physical that symbolizes your feelings (a flower, a card, a poem) and use it to help you explain yourself. The urge to share will outweigh any fear of rejection.

~'nuff said~

an unremarkable nose

2006-04-10T14:36:00.000-05:00

it seems of late, my decision-making ability has taken a vacation. normally a fairly decisive person, my befuddled state has caused this ability to take a leave of absence until the situation improves. in order for the situation to improve, i need my decisive abilities...vicious circle, ain't it?

~but i digress~

i am home today. i do not feel well. i have no idea if it has to do with my nose, my state of mind or an outside invader. at any rate, i canceled on work and the dentist (i was not upset to cancel on the dentist) and stayed home.

la schnozz is aching today and the body feels like it's been through a few rounds with the great ali. *sigh*

i wonder constantly if trying to figure out what is wrong with my nose is a waste of time (not to mention money). while it can be difficult to cope with non-allergic, allergy symptoms and an aching nose with no cause, i am tired of no answer and more tests and referrals. the latest experience with the e.n.t. left a sour taste in my mouth and not because he actually did what i was supposed to be there for, but because he had absolutely no idea why i was there, told me nothing, patronized me and charged me for it.

yeah, medicine is great, sometimes.

he said i had an unremarkable nose.

if my nose is so freaking unremarkable...why does it hurt!?!?!?

i am on the point of giving up. i am tired. i am so tired that some days i can't even put one foot in front of the other. this probably has nothing to do with my nose and more to do with everything else i experience/have experienced since moving here.

yeah, an unremarkable nose.

'duh'

2006-04-09T13:17:00.000-05:00

Pisces

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Sometimes you do a lot. And sometimes you do too much. It's time to give yourself a break. You've been working really, really hard, and it's time to rest and rejuvenate. It will be better for your long-term stamina, and you need to practice saying no anyhow. So this morning, get started. Look in a mirror. Say, 'no, I can't do that today.' Then add, silently, 'I'm having a personal day of rest. Just for me.' -

i sooo wish this were the case today. i woke up before bunny and watched the sun filter through the red and pumpkin curtains hanging in our bedroom window. i knew the minute i woke up that i didn't want to do what i had to do today. but...i will anyway. it's b.i.l.'s (brother-in-law) birthday celebration.

all i want to do today is relax, plant the flowers we bought yesterday, work in the yard, gesso a board for my idea-on-a-napkin painting, make lasagna and watch a movie with bunny. instead, we'll make the hour trip up and back to b.i.l.'s house.

everything is so far away around here.

********

i had lunch with one of my bosses friday. we sat on the patio of the mexican food restaurant down the street from my office. i got sunburned.

we were talking about stuff and life and it came out of my mouth that one of the things i don't like about dallas (not phrased that way) is the pace of everything. everyone is in a hurry. while the pace of my job in the great white north was no different, the pace of life was a bit slower, a bit gentler, a bit friendlier. i guess folks around here are in a rush to worship at the feet of the almighty dollar, for that is the true religion here. all others are paid lip service and wind up in servitude to the almighty dollar.

********

bunny and i have been arguing (debating?) sexism, racism, power, money and politics. he disagrees that there is sexism. he believes women hold all the power in the world. my point is those with the money hold the power and historically, women have not had the money along with all other minority groups (even though women and a couple of the minority groups are not really minorities in many areas). i told him he was wrong and i am right especially since he is a white, protestant male and part of the ruling class. he still loves me...i hope.

there is much debate in this part of the country over the issues surrounding illegal immigration. bunny and i agree on that topic. the current laws are antiquated and do not keep up with the american/world economy. those that say all illegals should be deported forget this country was founded by immigrants, some legal, some not, but all gave up property, culture, dignity and even their names to make better lives for their families and make this nation what it is and will be. there is enough for everyone, but true generosity and ethical behavior will never win out over the almighty dollar in a capitalist society, of which ours is the absolute best example.

therapy 4.0

2006-04-03T19:57:00.000-05:00

i am not very good at taking care of myself.

instead of cutting myself some slack, i bully myself.
instead of accepting my limitations, i tell myself i should do more.
instead of getting enough rest, eating right and relaxing when i am stressed, i do the exact opposite.
instead of extending the same level of compassion and empathy to myself as i do to others, i expect perfection from myself...

...and lord/goddess/buddha/insert-preferred-deity-here help me, i know i am not perfect.

tomorrow night is my appointment at my new health club with a personal trainer so he can exercise me to death.
wednesday night is visit to therapist #4 for therapy round #4 since my 21st year to attempt to stop this downward psychological slide in its tracks.
thursday is nose day. *shudder*...nasal biopsy...*shudder*
friday, hopefully, will be date night with bunny...a real date night.
saturday...well, i don't know.

i'm tired. i wish a bubble bath were all it took to make everything better.

portrait of the artist as a young girl

2006-03-29T20:37:00.000-06:00

(a letter to my granny written by my puppet abbiegail. i made the stationary on which it was written. i think i was 10 years old.)

my mom and dad have been slowly going through the contents of my granny's house. she died last may. they've been sorting and tossing and donating with my uncle's blessing as he and my mother slowly start to let go of a life lived. in amongst all the old food in the freezer, the multitude of unworn clothing and the layers of dust lie treasures that are uncovering parts of me.

it is sad in some ways to look back at the child i was. i was curious and imaginative and never stopped drawing or thinking or dreaming. i had a puppet for a very long time that, in essence, was my alter ego. she was much funnier, brasher,less inhibited and so much less fearful than i and everyone loved her. i think abbiegail was the beginning of zelda.

now i feel like zelda has lost her sass, her brash and her shininess. ok, ok, i'm talking about myself so i should just say i have lost those things. sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and wonder where i went. a puffy, sniveling person is left instead. these treasures on creased, worn pages are a glimpse and a glimmer of who i can be. who i want to be. who i need to be.

(my 6th birthday. mom immediately recognized the lamp over our table in the kitchen in the house of my childhood. dad remembered hanging all the balloons and streamers.)

a nose by any other name...

2006-03-28T19:34:00.000-06:00

more tests are in my future to try and unravel this mystery that is my misery. next week will find me at the E.N.T.'s office for yet another exam, patient history and more tests. this time the tests will include a nasal biopsy. nasal biopsy!?!?! i think we all know how much pulling a nose hair hurts. i am trying NOT to imagine how much a nasal biopsy will top out the pain meter.

they'd better give me valium...or at least a sticker...possibly a lollipop.

bleh.

signed and sealed

2006-03-26T19:57:00.000-06:00

three resumes and cover letters meet three position openings. so many more to find and link to better my odds at doing something else that hopefully, i will like.

if i had no fear and enough reserve money, i'd quite my job now (keeping insurance through cobra, of course) and make a living making art; selling art; thinking art; breathing art; living art.

but i have fear and no reserve money and until my non-allergic problems are determined (which i am beginning to think will be a long time coming), i still get up, drive an hour and work at a job i hate.

i hate very few things.

**********

test results came back this last week. the doctor himself called me with the results. with the exception of one physician, all other doctors i've ever seen have the nurse do the calling with results unless there is something wrong. this doctor is not the exception i spoke of, so the abnormal results give possible hope to an answer to my misery and fear of a life-changing condition.

nothing is definite. no second opinion or multitude of tests has confirmed anything. at this point it is simply four abnormal test results, two specialists to consult with and one worried zelda.

bunny says it's just part of life...but it's not part of my life...or is it?

astrobarry speaks...

2006-03-22T20:26:00.000-06:00

"PISCES (February 19-March 20): I strongly encourage you to maneuver a higher union with the truths you already possess inside you—even as you might claim to be 'confused' and/or 'unsure of how to proceed'. Those descriptions originate from your mental self, enough of a smarty-pants to often serve you well, to be sure… but who sometimes gets her/his ideas of how you're feeling from an archive of beliefs about how you should feel. On the other hand, your unfiltered and untranslated feelings, which course throughout your body (not just in the region above your neck), know much more about the current scene—and never kowtow to self-limiting judgments or expectations. They're pure information about how you instinctively react to certain stimuli. Your brain may rebelliously flap and flail and attempt to convince you why what you know will never work, or will cause too many complications. But still, you know what you know. And such undiluted full-body wisdom mustn't be ignored (no matter the immediate fallout), or else you're indirectly informing the source of your intuitive faculties that you don't care about their messages. And if you don't care to follow your intuition, then you're inviting it to shut up and shut down."

~oh boy, am i in for it, now~

(click the title of this entry to visit astrobarry.com for your horrorscope)

contemplation of an immovable object

2006-03-19T20:57:00.000-06:00

she sat on the kitchen floor, back to the refrigerator, and stared up at the avocado green wallpaper. it was peeling and torn and had the tracks of the past all over it. this was always where she ended up at her lowest; sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing so hard she was sure her lungs would jump out of her chest through her mouth.

as she tried to quietly sob into her hands that covered her mouth, she wondered if that wallpaper would ever come down. would it all ever come down? if it did, would it be a methodical dismantling of obsolescence or would it just one day fall with a rumble and bury her, choking her of breath and sending chalky, toxic dust into her eyes and nose as she lay obscured on the cold, tile floor?

you don't have to leave texas to visit everything

2006-03-15T17:59:00.000-06:00

today i drove to wichita falls, tx and back. i passed new york road and newark road. i also passed the towns of jolly, decatur and harriet. when i used to drive the backroads of nebraska for my job, i'd pass princeton and italy.

*****

today was an 8 on the scale of feeling lousy. i've gone from worse to worser in the last 6 days. yeah, right, i'm not allergic to anything. *ARGH* worser even yet, i can't really do anything about how lousy i feel except try to treat the symptoms which does little at best. i am sooooo over this lousy thing.

*****

i have to get a different line of work. *bleh* job hunting is a full time job and i HAVE a full time job. i am beginning to think more and more i should give myself and my resume over to an employment agency to get into a different line of work. in the meantime, i'm applying for work at the dma (dallas museum of art-click title of this entry for the link to the museum) i have no idea if i'll even get an interview, but if i don't throw my hat into the ring, to borrow a cliche, i'll regret it.

i am tempted every day at my current job to walk out the door and never go back there. it has nothing to do with the people or the company-it's the job. i've realized that while it has been the one stable element to my upheaved life, it was going backwards to do this job.

~i don't want to go backwards. i want to continue moving forward~

*****

yeah, so i'm back from wichita falls. bunny promised dinner on the table when i got home and he's not even here. slacker bunny.

untitled

2006-03-12T20:12:00.000-06:00

The cracks in the sidewalk
have the same unevenness.
Grass growing through the concrete,
has the same tenacity.

Stares of strangers
hide the same hatred.
Facades of buildings
hide the same secrets.

My loneliness
speaks the same language.
Your distance
leaves the same hollow.

Move to this new city
keeps the same desperation.
New Apartment
still has the same dinginess.

My plan of escape
has the same failure.
New opportunity
has the same disappointment.

Familiarity in this place,
shows the strangeness even more.

copyright 2004, zelda pinwheel

fish out of water and wanting to be a duck

2006-03-12T20:03:00.000-06:00

friday afternoon, bunny and i sat at a park in the extremely wealthy part of town and fought off a geese attack. it was a bit anxious, slightly scary and funny all at the same time. i told the geese that they were spoiled rotten by being highland park geese...pinching innocent folk of their starbucks lemon pound cake.

as we were sitting on the bench after the geese had tired of getting nothing from us, i tried to tell bunny how i am feeling. i looked at the water in the pond and thought how i feel like a fish out of water. the irony is not lost on me since i am a pisces. i am in a city that is unfamiliar, uncomfortable and i am trying desperately to breathe. i am lying on the bank, looking around me while my sides expand and contract to suck in air to sustain me. at the same time i tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to convey this to bunny, i realized how much i want to be a duck. if i were a duck, i could both fly and swim. i would live my life around water, as i already want to do, yet i could still play on the wind. i'd also look cute and have an excuse to waddle. things would just roll off my back, too.

i'm not really a fish or a duck.

t-minus 12 hours to birthday

2006-03-07T22:23:00.000-06:00

in approximately 12 hours, i will officially have completed my 36th year on earth.

hmmm.

yeah, that's about all i got to say about that.

when i blow out the candles (figurative ones) i guess my main wish is to find which way is up, again.

bunny said to me last night as i had a moment of clarity while we sat in the bath, "it's good to have you back."

yeah, it cut like a knife to borrow a phrase from bryan adams.

where, o where have i gone?

for granny...Patchwork

2006-03-06T20:47:00.000-06:00

Sally bent low over the quilt in front of her, inspecting the stitches. "Fiddle!" she thought to herself, "They are as uneven as the day is long." She began to rip out the row of tiny stitches. She adjusted the half-moon shaped glasses perched on her long, thin nose and leaned closer to the fabric. She wanted to get the stitches perfectly even. No mistakes were allowed on this quilt except for the traditional backwards block.

Sally had always thought that idea was an odd one. The whole tradition of the backwards block surrounded the idea that making something absolutely perfect was to invite the devil. In order to escape the fiery demon’s attention, it was most important to stitch one block of the quilt backwards. She couldn’t recall how many backwards blocks on how many quilts she had made over her 93 year lifetime. This was one more to add to the list. This one was the most important.

It was hypnotic, the stitching. Selecting and cutting the fabric was the most enjoyable part of the process for Sally. She didn’t mind piecing the blocks or laying out the finished top in order to sew it to the backing. The actual quilting of the piece drove her to distraction. When her cousins were alive, she could always count on them to help her. Having Willie and Emma around made the quilting part go so fast. When they were young married women with young children, they would sit over the quilting frame and gossip in the heat of the Texas afternoon. Back in the days before air conditioning, the quilt frame would be set up on the porch to catch the breezes that sometimes came through the valley. Once the chill of conditioned air came to their back roads area, the quilt frame was set up in the parlor. It was never used anyway. Very few people came to visit in that remote area of the Texas hill country and Willie and Emma were long gone.

Pausing from her stitching, Sally raised her head to listen to the twilight sounds stirring outside. It was early summer and she had decided to quilt on the porch for old times’ sake. Through the screened windows and doors of the porch, she heard a symphony of cicadas and crickets. She could smell the cedar and live oak on the breeze. She turned her head and caught the twinkling of fireflies beginning to rise from the blackberry bushes that lined the fence. Tiny winking lights her grandchildren tried to capture in jars. It had been years since her grandchildren had been that young and capricious. She recalled her granddaughter’s skinned knees, gap-toothed grin and disheveled hair. She could never stay clean, that one. Always rolling in the grass or climbing trees to collect the cicada shells stuck to the bark after they got their wings and abandoned their old bodies. The shells clung to the tree and glowed amber in the setting sun.

Sally turned her attention back to her task. She only had a few more stitches to complete the pattern. She watched the needle, propelled and guided by her gnarled fingers as it popped up through the fabric and down into it again, the thread following with a pop then a hiss. Up and down. Up and down. The thimble on her middle finger caught the setting sun and flashed. It was the thimble her mother had given her when she started teaching her to quilt as a girl of eight. Eighty-six years of quilts. Eighty-six years of life and death, love and pain, work and family, loss and friends and all of it pieced in quilts.
With a final tug on her thread, Sally tied the knot to her last line of stitching. She took her half-moon glasses from the end of her nose and rubbed her eyes. Her fingers, twisted with arthritis and years of scrubbing the family wash against a washboard, ached and trembled. She was finished. She gazed over the pattern stretched taught in the quilt frame. How beautiful it was. So many colors and textures and patterns. A piece of her favorite feed sack dress from her childhood here, a flash of her daughter’s wedding dress satin there. They were all there. Her mother, father, cousins, aunts, uncles, husband, children, grandchildren and friends. Pieces of everyone sewn with pieces of her. Her life and heart in the pieces of this most important quilt.

With a sigh, Sally got up and began to dismantle the quilt frame. Gently, reverently, she folded the quilt over her arm. It was such a comforting weight against the thin, fragile paper of her skin. The cotton was soft and worn, much like Sally. She shuffled to her room, the dying summer sun lighting her way with golden arcs of light on the hallway walls. She reached her bed and sat heavily on the side, the ancient mattress barely sagging under her transparent body. She swung her legs up, onto the bed and lay back against the flat, feather pillow. Sally pulled the newly finished quilt over her tired body. With a sigh, she closed her eyes and took her last breath under the comfort and safety of her final patchwork quilt.

copyright 2004, zelda pinwheel